I vowed to look for a new job.  I did.  But I didn’t really end up getting a new one.  Sadly, I have failed at getting a new job.  But in all honesty, I simply never gave myself the greatest opportunity to look.  If I wasn’t busy with working, I’d be busy with life stuff like fixing my car, buying groceries and all that jazz.  

I’ve decided to go back to school.  Rather, I had applied to go fulltime to go back to school and volunteer (if possible) to get the job I want in the future.  At the time, I thought it was worth while.  It’s for a program where all the skills for future jobs that I want are readily available.  At least I won’t have to “lie” on my resume to get that job.  At the time, my parents said they’d support me since it’s obvious that I have no where to go if I stay in retail.  I say at the time because my mother doesn’t seem so enthused by my news that I got accepted to the program.  The bf has never really supported me with the idea of going back to school.  He believes I’ll get the jobs I want even though I honestly don’t have much (if at all) training in that field.  He says they’ll train me.  

I have to start doing more things that I’m uncomfortable with.  I have to go meet more people.  My network is small.  Well, it’s not really THAT small.  It’s just that I haven’t met all the right people to find me that job I’m looking for.  

But I’m going back to school for something I want to do. Since it’s obviously something I want to do, maybe it’s not too late to apply for volunteer positions for what I want to do.  I finally have a goal in mind.

However, now the biggest question is whether I go back to school or just volunteer for the same amount of time…..

haven’t felt like blogging in a long time.  I haven’t really felt like doing much of anything these days.  i almost just come home from work and veg.  perhaps it’s because of the 11 hour days i generally pull.  

need a new job.  hahah, i’ve been saying that for a long time no?  it’s hard to get a new job when i have one.  it really makes me want to quit my job and be unemployed just to find that new job.  

i am thinking of volunteering at a place that will teach me to use a program called raiser’s edge.  why?  if i’m pursuing certain jobs in the non-profit sector, most of the jobs that i really want require me to use this program.  Although I do not really need formal training for most computer programs, it would be nice to have it.  would be something i can claim on my resume.  However, blackbaud is pretty much the only company that sells a training program for it.  hahaha, great:P money i don’t have have:P  but education has always been like that.  hence, i want to volunteer to learn the program.  the other option is work for a data entry company that uses that program.  maybe some data entry company would let me work for them?  i dunno.  

heh.  

options….

also opened an rrsp acount….yay…i always though i had one, but i was wrong.  

btw, apparently i have a 9% growth rate with my investments.  too bad i have so much osap debt to pay off that i can’t invest more.  for the money i have saved, half of it would be going into osap.  i’ll be bringing my debt down from 19k down to 15k at least! i’m excited.  in less than a year, i’ll have brought my osap down 10k since i originally started with 25/26k….but i only make approximately 21k a year…..hahahaha.  so i find that feat impressive.  my mother helped me with 5k though.  so i am feeling a tad bad about that.  

should help my bf do some investment with his money too.  

i’m still excited to bring down my debt.  need a better job so i can bring it down faster.  they gave me 114 months to pay my student debt off.  but it seems i’ll be able to pay it off much sooner:D  

like staying on a diet, i must be more disciplined.  i have 20 lbs to lose….go down from 165 to 145….ergs….feeling sooo heavy.  must eat better and have a healthier lifestyle.  

anyways, sorry for my all over the place update.  off to get ready for work now

I hate auto correct. On another note, I have a great life. I have a great life. My job situation may suck ass, but at least I’m employed somewhere. I have a good life. I have a good life. I refuse to be in a bad mood. I refuse. I can change my situation. I can change my life. Just because my life isn’t where you want it to be does not mean I won’t get there. Invading my privacy so I can’t think won’t get me there any faster. When I tell you to leave me alone, leave me the hell alone. I have a good life. I have a good life. I have a good life. Ergs. Just leave me the hell alone until I’ve found my own place. When we talk it’s always like a huge fire meteor hitting the earth. If you need to talk, choose a more fricking appropriate time. Either way…..just leave me the hell alone for at least a week.

What if 6 years ago,  I blogged as infrequently as I do now?  How might my life be different?  What if a big part of my life now no longer existed?  How might my life look? I was watching a chinese tvb called season of love. Yeah,  it really made me think. I think I’ve asked this same question before. How might my life be different if I didn’t write the first entry that intrigued my bf to subscribe to my xanga?  How might my life be different if I did or didn’t do x?  The thing is, it isn’t realistic to think that way. It’s not healthy.  If you want so and so result,  but have not attained it,  the question is “what’s stopping you?” You should stop looking to the past to say you should have done something.

I always start off writing one entry and then end with another. Ahahahaha. I found a nice and fast way to chicken peck my way on my phone:P

Everytime I’ve asked the question what if,  the answer is always the same. What if scenarios end up to the question of whether I’d really like the result. And then that further makes me think of the results. The answer to if I didn’t blog as much in the past would most likely mean I wouldn’t be with my current bf. I can’t help but feel that my life would feel much less complete. At the same time,  ifthe past 6 years never did happen,  how would I know I felt incomplete? 

Anyways…brain rambling. 

Also,  even though the bf isn’t a fan of me going to school,  I might stil do it after I go to a few job agencies…..anyone have one to suggest? I feel kinda inadequate…..not being able to get a job on my own merits and all…sigh. anyways,  bed time. Early work tomorrow. Nighteeroo

I’ve always thought I was a rather calm person that was easily excited. But it turns out,  I’m am impatient person. I don’t like waiting. I want things to just click into place. As such,  when things don’t go the way I expect,  I get very irritable.  But its still rather weird. Not everything makes me this upset.  Perhaps its the combination of feeling worthless that is making me exceptionally unpleasant to be around. 

Maybe I need to work out and give my muscles some release. These days I’m staying in bed later and I always wake up sore all over-and not the good kind of sore either. My body is as stressed as my mind.

I know its against a few of my friend’s judgements,  but I’m still thinking of going back to school. I’ve decided to go to that job agency that’s just up the street from my place. I’m either going tomorrow between my two shifts or Friday,  before I go see a friend downtown. 

Originally, I wanted a new job by march. As that month is now approaching and it doesn’t look like ill get a new job,  I’ll wait until April or June. If I don’t get the job I “want” by then even with the help of an agency, I’m applying for school for September or january. Does that sound fair?

This time around,  I am not applying for osap. I just paid down 6k with the help of my parents. I still have 20k to pay down. 

Whether or not people agree with my choice or not,  I’m sticking with this decision. I feel that I have something sorted for the future even though its mostly unknown.  I feel more calm looking into the close future. So it’s what I’ve decided. Plus, haven’t I aleays said I wanted to be a secretary?  My choice of schooling this time is much much more practical. I took a long time to decide what I’d take if I did go back to school. Mmmmm

I haven’t been interested in writing anything for a long time.  I’ve been a tad upset for a while.  I think today I just hit rock bottom for feeling shitty for myself.  Sadly, this didn’t motivate me to work out or job search or do anything else.  It just made me cry for a good portion of the morning and do nothing but mope around in the house.  I did NOT go to the job agency.  You might think my pride means nothing, but until you can say something to persuade me to not feel like a complete failure for going to a job agency, I can’t go.  

We’ll see….I was just feeling way tooo shitty this morning….

If you saw me today, I was like the episode of friends where Phoebe goes to see her dad for the first time…..stuck in the car.  Although she’d really like to, she leaves the car, runs to the bushes and then just runs back into the car.  sigh…eventually I’ll probably go.   

My job search is going nowhere and i’m feeling absolutely miserable about myself.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I have a job even though it’s shit pay…A job is better than no job.  

oh…btw, telling an impatient person that they’re being impatient doesn’t do anything but make the impatient person upset at you.  it makes me want to shake your shoulders and shout, stfu mr. obvious.  

it’s like telling the person freaking out to calm down.  generally they end up freaking out more.  

sigh.  anyways, off to work.  

bleh.  

So,  I’m totally committed to finding a new job now. It’s time for a change. I’m starting to get depressed at my work situation. So it’s really time to quit and find a new job….mmmm

Short update today. No gaming tonight I thinks. Mmm

How do people keep their references. I’ve always been at a loss for this. As I’m reapplying /back in the process of finding a new job,  I have questions. I’ve never really been able to maintain a relationship with any of the people who’ve said they’d be my reference. Mmmmm. I feel so lost. It’s like I’ve kinda lost who I am because I don’t know what job I want. The next job I’m applying for will be a desk job. No more serving kids and finding shoes. I’m totally aick of being sick too. I know I complain a lot,  but I have been sick since september. If it’s not this it’s that. My immune system sucks. I should start working out more. I don’t know where to start that either. I kind of want to build an exercise routine at my pace. Oh. I got a shake weight for Christmas.  Yes,  it does look ubber stupid,  but my arms are actually toning. They’re not as slim as they were in hs,  but who stays that size forever?  I’m tempted to buy an elliptical…. but meh. Maybe the next place I move to will have a gym on site. 

I’m trying to look for a job in Toronto.  I want to be able to live in the condo my parents bought for me. Man,  I really do have an easy love atm. Things will change when I get more of a career focus though I’m sure. 

Even though I feel tormented by the unknown, I still actually feel quite blessed. My life doesn’t have too many ups and downs. And when there are down times I’ve been trained with how to deal with the emotions in a healthy way. My expensive eduvation at least taught me that. Hahaha

 I need to stop working ao much….

Well this is super late. There’s nothing I can do about this. I’ve been ill and super busy with work.

These days have been stressful for me. I’m planning to look for a new job soon. How many places would hire me?  But I guess it depends on what I’m hoping to apply for. 

Have you ever felt lost without a sense of direction?  I’m that type of person who is up for anything at least once. 

Guess this is part of growing up. I don’t really know what I want to do. I’ve worked at my current store for a year now. I’ve worked here 3 months on full time and I know I will not stay. I have already taken steps to leave. I don’t think my boss would understand though. He keeps thinking I’ll spend the rest of my life here or something. 

Eventually I’d like to move out,  get married, and stuff like that. I don’t know anymore. 

Anyways,  that’s a short update to my new years. Spent the evening being sick. Fell asleep before 12. Heh. Anyways,  for this new year I’m up for a new challenge…let me succeed

….

and good cheer to all!  hehehe.  

So what does this day mean to you?  

for me it’s part consumeristic and religious.  i mean, LOTS of my friends who aren’t Christians still celebrate it.  

I mean I’ve never really “celebrated” christmas growing up.  though celebration was going to family and friend’s place.  for us, Christmas shopping was buying clothes and other essentials we needed.  We’d blow through 200 dollars in one day buy LOTS and LOTS of clothes, shoes and stuff.  It was always really fun.

Now that we’ve grown up, my family never celebrates with us.  Church and other churchy responsibilities come first.  My sister and I come second to their activities.  It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s for Christmas or anything else, we come first in their minds, but second in actuality (through their actions).

But this isn’t to say we don’t have ourselves (my sister and myself) to blame either.  She’s married, so it’s harder working out when to spend time with us.  And I have spent Christmas morning 3 years in a row at the bf’s place.  As I said, it’s not like My parents really put us on a backburner, we’ve put them on the backburner it’s okay.  we’ll figure something out.

muhahaha

anyways, the bf’s at church…and i still refused to go on christmas morn…wow….i suck.  but meh.  

Merry Christmas and good cheer to all!!! hahahaha.  have a very merry christmas….and a season filled with joy….hehehehe