Okay, fine.  After all my rantings about church, I decided to find one that I would want to go to.  I want to go to a non-denominational one.  I’m sick of proclaiming, I’m a baptist, evangelist, anglican and what not and what not.  I just want to say, I’m Christian.  

Although I do not attend church, I cannot deny that I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour who was sent to die on the cross for my sins.  And yes, I haven’t really been willing to listen to what God has to say to me through the bible, it doesn’t stop me from believing.  Naive faith?  I guess you can call it that.  But your logical arguments against Christ won’t stop me from believing.  THAT’S just the way I am.  You can have your point of view and I can have mine, just don’t believe I’ll convert for anything.  

Yes, I’ll put that out there.  No fibre in my being can deny it.  But I won’t go to say that all other religions are wrong.  why?  because in every religion, be it “distorted” from mine or not, they generally have roots of wanting to seek GOD.  as such, isn’t this search valiant in some way?  As a true Christian, shouldn’t you be able to see GOD everywhere?  Couldn’t you see God even if it wasn’t in your religion?  I actually really hate that word religion.  It means almost nothing to me.  Religion to me almost means brain washing….so really, I don’t want it.

When did going to church mean that you fit it into your schedule?  I was always raised on the belief that church should be the thing you worked around.  For instance, people used to travel to the synagogues from miles and miles away because that was their “local” church.  And sadly, I have become one of those people who want to fit church into my schedule instead of the other way around.  I want it to be relatively close.  I want it to fit into the time before I go to work.  Sadly, it isn’t as easy as this.  ergs…

When did listening to the message of Christ become so difficult?  am I just making it harder for myself?  I probably am.  

At this moment, I’m just sick and tired of having people tell me that so and so church is a good church because of so and so reason- all reasons which have NOTHING to do with the actual message of Christ itself.  And here’s why I’m a skeptic.  Even if someone told me that the sermons were great, I’d think they were being brain-washed.  so…isn’t this a no win situation?  Am I being to philosophical about all this?

mmmmmm…..completely annoyed…

when do people start thinking that nagging and scolding worked?  or rather, when did I stop listening?

The more my parents tell me to go to church, the less I want to.  And yes, although I know it’s the right thing to do as a Christian, how does going because of NAGGING parents mean I am devoted to Christ?  It doesn’t.  I fully know that I will NOT go until I am ready to go back.  And at this moment, I just cannot.  Why?  Because I know that if I do go, I’ll just be an empty shell sitting in a pew, not wanting to get to know anyone, not wanting to really listen to the sermon.  So really, what’s the point?  so I can be “close” to GOD and his community?  Yeah, seriously THINK it through before you yap at me every single fricken day about going to church.  Lay the Frack off…

Now onto having a job.  Um, I don’t think a first full time position as an assistant manager is all that bad.  Yeah, I’m assistant manager for a FIRST full time job.  It doesn’t pay the greatest, but i have ASSISTANT MANAGER under my belt.  so honestly, what do you freaking want?  I can’t just up and quit after a month of getting the position.  Yes, I know it’s retail and I work Most Sundays.  But you know what?  because you told me to take Sunday’s off, I WILL work more Sundays.  seriously, think your actions through.  When have I EVER listened to your scoldings and naggings?  haven’t I in fact ALWAYS done the opposite?  Do you think that by your nagging I would suddenly see my world as being really corrupt and that I will automatically go to church?  Sure, sometimes it does feel empty, like a part is missing on Sunday, but who are you to tell me what to do?  Um..uh huh, you’re my parents.  I should obey you.  BUT, what if I know I’m not ready?  You’ll force it on me anyways?  egh…please back off.  

You were not raised in the church, you do not know what it feels to be me.  You don’t understand why I don’t want to go back.  So honestly, Just LAY OFF!  They’re my parents, but at this rate, the more they keep scolding me about these things, the less I will listen.  I’ll become that child that only calls for birthdays and christmas.  So honestly, they really do need to stop all this nagging.  Let me be and do my own stuff for a while.  It’s not like I’ll magically figure out my life with all their nagging and negative energy.

If I go now, I’ll only see what’s wrong with Church.  So honestly, please DO NOT push this matter any further.  Of course, I should really be telling them, but I have NEVER communicated well with my parents.  they don’t listen to me.  They never have.  And I will never listen to them because of it.  

Does this help you understand why after I cook, I always say something’s wrong with it?  It’s because I’ve never been good enough.  When I cook, I never get compliments from my parents, instead it’s always a complaint of one thing or another.  

No, I’m not saying my life sucks.  Instead, I’m just complaining that my parents are over-involved in my life without realizing how annoying they’re becoming.  Even as a little girl, I had a mind of my own.  What do you think? I’m any different now?  I am not my sister.  You cannot tell me what to do, because I can make decisions and make my own mistakes bearing all consequences.  So leave me alone.  I don’t need this.

If the problem is that I’m not financially stable, fine.  I get it.  As long as I’m using your money, I’ll have to do what you want.  Fine, I’ll pay for everything myself.  Tires included.  so this month, all my money goes to osap and paying bills.  fine.  

I always blame my animator friend who got me hooked on gaming.  More specifically rpg games….and the mmo type too.  But what he says is really true.  ”you can’t blame me about being a gamer.  you always were one, but you just never realized until you played.”

But what makes a person a gamer?  is it when they dream about games? when they wait for the next big launch of something they like?

If you were once a gamer are you always a gamer?  

I feel like I’m wanting to expand my repertoire of hobbies and stuff I like.  Unfortunately for me, I have periods of addiction.  ACTUAL addiction to things i do.  The immense feeling of being “high” over doing things motivates me for a period.  Like all addictions, there’s a crash in my system (after it’s gotten used to the feeling) when i’ll be seeking the next thing to get me “higher”.  doesn’t it sound like i’m a thrill seeker?  and it’s funny though, because I think I would be, if I weren’t so needy to have company to try new things with.  hahahaha…also, IF i had the money to do it.  

But if I’m seeking new experiences, does it mean I’m not a gamer afterall?  if I enjoy playing movies on the computer over playing games on the computer, does that mean I’m not a gamer?  

I mean I really can’t play MOST xbox games.  why?  I get motion sick.  Probably because I grew up with super mario in 2-d on the N.E.S.  Played sonic the hedgehog on the sony machine (was it the dreamcast?  I can’t remember)

The point being, the games that I like still haven’t changed much.  I always prefer the cutesy cartoons versus real life graphics.  However, it’s not that I can’t enjoy really good graphics, my brain just takes a little while longer to adjust to it.  

anyways…who’s up for trampolining or rock climbing?

i want to move downtown.  my condo is finally finished.  i can move in in march.  the issue is…is it worth it?  I make a gross income of 1900….net income makes it about 1700.  after osap, i have about 1400.  100 for savings, 200 for food, 200 for gas….that leaves 900.  minus 200 for bills.  that leaves 700.  so….that means i can only pay my parents a total of 700 to live in the condo they bought for me. 

now, the question is whether it is worth living downtown while working in the suburbs.  and the answer is a clear resounding NO.  sigh.  I’ll be driving an extra 10km.  meaning i’ll ahve to maintain my car more frequently.  i won’t have savings for anything, ie: future wedding, house downpayment or anything for that matter.  

so what do i do?  living at home may drive me up the wall….but so will living on my own when i’m living over my means.  

I could find a job downtown….but can i find a job that pays more than my current job?  what field should I look into?  sigh.  THIS stuff stresses me out.  I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff.  

as much as I want to live downtown in the condo my parents bought for me, it is clear to me that I cannot live there on my own.  

this really makes for a very VERY sad sabina….sigh…. me a sad panda now….time for bed, working ubber early.  sigh.  night night.

and i’m not talking about picking your nose.  hahaha.  nor am I talking about being a picky eater.  I’m talking about being picky about jobs.

When you don’t have a job, where is the money coming from?  if you really needed the money, how picky would you be? could you afford to be picky?  I guess it’s different when you’re single and living with your parents.  you don’t have bills to pay because your parents would pay the bills.  but how long do you want to live off your parents?  don’t you want to try your hand at the real world and see how successful you’d be?

your first job matters- or so i’m told.  it leads you to your future.  but what if you like what you’re doing?  what if you don’t mind “settling”?  what if you don’t feel like you’re settling when everyone else thinks you are?  

people think i’m crazy.  when I tell them I don’t mind retail and i’m looking to stay, they all look at me with wide eyes and say, “but you’re smart!”  No, I’m not looking to stay as a customer service representative for the rest of my life.  I’m looking to advance.  I’m looking to be a manager, a district manager….or something higher up?  is that possible?  but, I’ll need education….so the question is…where should I get this education and what should i take?  heh

time to talk to my investment advisor.  

I’ve decided to quit my part time job.  why?  because it’s not worth commuting back and forth.  I like the job, but i want some me time other than the time after work.  I don’t want my life to primarily consist of working.  I’ll just tell them i’ve decided to go back to school/part time for something.  which is true.  unfortunately, they’ll ask why I’m not staying till january when the new semester begins.  oh well.  they don’t need to know.  

my gross income is 1.9k.  for a first job, I think that isn’t tooo bad…ALSO….assistant manager title sounds pretty impressive.  hahaha.  now, time to go get that business diploma! business management? marketing? what should i go for….any suggestions?  I’d ideally go for retail management, but all the places i’ve seen for that is only full time….boourns?