...I'm just not like you...

fighs like this happen.  why?  because i'm a girl and you're a guy.  we just don't think the same way all the time.  if i were another guy friend feeling shitty, maybe what you said may have helped or maybe it would be different i dunno.  but it only made me feel worst.  when i'm upset, i'm vulnerable and sensitive.  rather let me put it this way, when i'm upset, or frustrated, i'm more vulnerable and more sensitive than i normally would be.  something that i may not have thought twice about when i felt fine can rub me severely in the wrong way- like what happened tonight.  i guess i have to say i can't be sorry for that though....cause i don't know how to change that.  i don't believe in apologizing for something i can't change.  i can't even apologize for making you a little upset, because i won't take back what i said even though i feel guilty for making you a tad upset.  i did feel that what was said was impersonal though.  what hurt me was not the reality of the statement- why should someone get upset over what can't be changed?  it's that it was said in such a way that was all jaggedy at the edges- like i'm the worst person in the world for feeling shitty over something i can't see how i can change.  that's the difference between a statement that is said like "you should......" and a statement like, "i would try to do in your situation......."  perhaps the difference is subtle to some people, but it makes a BIG difference to the person who is upset.  a "you should" statement sounds like judgement.  even if the statement was intended for benefit instead of harm.  feeling judged regardless of state of mind feels BAD.  an "i would try to do in your situation" statement sounds like empathy.  maybe i'm trying to change tooo much?  i dunno. 

i just want sooo hard to have this frustration go away.  but school mandates that i complete 356 hours or something like that this year.  and even if i complete my 356 hours early, i cannot stop placement.  i'm at my wits' end.  although i've felt like crying many times, i never have- until tonight.  maybe it's because i realized how badly it's affected me- enough to have me bitch at the bf and get him upset along with me. 

next time i'll just do what you do- message/text to say i've had a shitty day.  but i feel it doesn't accomplish anything.  by ignoring conversations that hold the potential to be uncomfortable does not allow for the opportunity for either person to learn how to effectively communicate with each other, to learn to comfort each other, or to support each other- even if support means just to hear your breathing on the other end of the phone.  sometimes that is what i need- to know that you ARE the shoulder that will be there when i need to collapse and cry. 

sighs.  everytime something like this happens, it makes me feel like i'm the worst person in the world.  it makes me feel inadequate.  it gives reason to dump my ass and i fear that might happen.  if placement makes me feel sooo shitty all the time, this is bound to repeat itself.  sighs....if ever anything makes me feel shitty, this has the potential of happening again.  what then?  sighs.  i'm sorry for being such a weak person who cannot hold her own.  i am sorry that i feel like i can't change the circumstances that make me so upset.  i'm sorry that i just can't be like you. 

...upset...

from a week that started off okay, it quickly turned south.  perhaps it's the weather, perhaps it's all the rain, but i've been really glum.  i'm starting to really get depressed.  i get hungry, but i have no appetite.  i force myself to eat.  i can see that i have lost weight, and not in the healthy good way- simply because i have been eating nothing but congee, or 2 meals a day of less than the size of my palm. 

so what shall i do?  i absolutely HATE my placement.  the person who is supposed to be my "field instructor" says things that make me feel as if she's blaming me for her disappearance.  i don't need to come in on fridays.  to make my commute a little friendlier i volunteered to work from 9-3 tuesdays, thursdays fridays.  it isNOT my fault that she doesn't come in on fridays anymore.  i am supposed to learn at my own pace.  i think learning to do intake is important.  i'm sorry if you don't think it is.  i'm supposed to learn the dynamics of a food bank.  i'm supposed to learn the functions in the food bank.  it is NOT my fault that you don't think a student who is in her first year of placement learn how to do intake.  i'm sorry that you don't think it's worth your time, but really, i think i've learnt more working in the hamper room doing intake than i have sitting in doing followup calls for clients. 

it is not my fault that i feel the need to learn MANY things that take me away from your presence.  i'm sorry you don't think learning how to do escalated calls for a person in crisis is important for a student, but i think it is. 

i don't like it when the tone of the person seems to be blaming me for their inability to time manage due to too much work on your side.  i do not appreciate when someone gives me a case that i should not have to handle.  i'd gladly do the research for it as i like doing research, but to deal with a client regarding the issue, i'd rather have you let me sit in the first few times.  in the professional world, it's called "shadowing." 

oh.....and to make things worst, i went to the doctors about the pain in my lower abdomen.  and the doctor tells me that it is either an inflection of some sort (most likely bladder or kidney) or that i may have some ovarian cysts.  sighs.  i wouldn't be surprised if it were the latter.  my body is prone to have cysts- heck i was born with a cyst on my left or right eye that doctors removed for cosmetic purposes.  my mother had ovarian cysts at age 35 meaning she hit menopause at that age too.  this is also one reason why i don't want to go through with ahing a child- it just complicates health issues.  i'm being selfish i know, but i know there are tons of kids who would gladly want a home. 

this semester just hasn't been going well.  i can feel a mental breakdown coming even before all the deadlines start hitting.  sighs.....i just wanna go home, crawl in my bed and stay there....sigh...

...frustration...

ironically, what's making me upset and frustrated has very little to do with the being punched in the gut feeling i physically am having. 

i DO NOT want to take public transit for 2 hours just to get to the bf's.  at this rate, i'll get there at 3.  yipee for that.  screw it.  i refuse to drive.  meaning that i HAVE to go home no matter how late it gets- and that just means a sleepy sabina on the road= accident waiting to happen.  too bad the parents don't see it that way.  the most ideal situation would be having the bf say that he could pick me up or the parents saying they could drop me off.  but then again, having the parents drop me off would only make me more frustrated as i'd have to listen to the "you should bring him to church" bit.  you know what?  just cause he's catholic does not mean he is not christian.  mommy and daddy, please get that through your small little fricken minds.  in fact, i think he has a much healthier relationship with GOD than I do, but then again, who am I to judge?  only GOD knows.  and don't give me the "you're not doing your duty as a christian" crap.  like you are with all your complaining and judging?  well you've done your duty.  you raised a daughter who feels sooo brainwashed she can't deny Christ.  it's true, it's right, it's my logic of things...why?  because i grew up in a catholic school system till highschool and then church since i was 4.  every breathing living moment was one bible story/lesson after the other.  how am i supposed to run away even if i wanted? 

am i christian?  i believe that it is true that Jesus is the son of GOD.  but is he my saviour?  i believe that he died on the cross for MY sins.  but does that make me a christian?  the thing is, to many, it would be classified that i am.  but i'm really not feeling like i am.  i'm just so disconnected from my spirit i guess.  i've denied Christ so many times that i guess well, i dunno. 

today is one of those days that i'm feeling sooo shitty and frustrated that i just want to yell at someone for no good reason.  and in my lack to find someone to yell at, i'll just sit here staring at the pc screen with tears trickling down my face.  AHHHHHHHHHHH

today is just one of those days that i may have started a fight with the bf.  though i'm pretty sure this entry would be equally agrivating for the intended reader.  i really do feel underappreciated.  majority of the time, i don't mind taking public transit.  since he's started a later shift and i've started school, he has not once come to see me once.

maybe i'm taking it for granted that i "can" see him every week.  whatever.  i'm just in a really bad mood.  i want to eat, but all the congee that my mother made yesterday, my father piggily ate it all.  sure i can make some for myself, but ergs.  i just feel like bashing my head into the wall.  ergs. 

...something is wrong...

okay, so i know half of my problem.  yesterday, i noticed that my urine was actually a very bright colour.  this morning, for the second time in a week, i woke up at 5:50 (my time, which really means 5:40) with pains in my lower abdomen.  as i'm sitting here, the pain is starting to spread.  before it was just the lower abdomen area...now, it's starting to reach to my stomach/right underneath my rib area.  perhaps cause i've been up for over an hour, my tummy's hungry?  i dunno.  i don't dare to eat though.  the lower abdomen area, where your colon, and uterus area is really REALLY hurting>.<  all i know is that when i press the bloated area, the right side hurts more than the left.  perhaps it's a gas issue?  i dunno, but i woke up 2 nights in a row.  the last time, i was able to go back to sleep- i pushed back the pain/my tired, sleepy urges were stronger.  this time, i'm in the craddle my knees, fetal position type of pain.  i can't go back to sleep cause it hurts just soooo damn much.  the doctors office is open today.  if my pain persists by 9:30, i'm calling right away.

i'm going to try to book an appointment with my doctor, i'm in soooo much pain, i really need to know what's wrong.  the last time it happened i thought it was just cause i didn't eat the night before (which is true, i ate 2 apples for dinner cause i wasn't hungry/ felt nauseous), but this time it's different. 

i don't know if all my symptoms are of the same cause, but i know that having lower abdomen pains wake me up twice is NOT normal>.<  doctors here i come>.< 

for the past 2 weeks i've been suffering from headaches.  typically at night after school, after placement at the end of the day.  i'm thinking these headaches are nothing, probably my body just telling me that it needs to rest.  but i don't know anymore.  the same time these headaches appeared, my stomache was hurting too.  i overloaded my body with multivitamins and that much i am sure of>.< 

oh yeah, i told you my urine was bright right?  well, if i did not drink alot of water and i let the colour condense, my urine would be the shade of yellow from a hi-liter marker.  i also told you that overdosed my body with multi-vitamins right?  well....i've been doing my research, and bright, flourescent coloured urine is typically my body getting rid of excess vitamin b12- riboflavin.  and guess what's in my multivitamin?  vitamin b12.  so i'm pretty sure that the pee colour really has no other issue.  if it were very serious, i'd be urinating brown or blood.....at least my urine still looks yellow.  i made sure there wasn't iron in the multi vitamin.  o.d-ing on iron could be fatal.  as iron is a metal needed for blood, tooo much could cause clottage and all that pretty stuff>.<  .  all the vitamins in the multivitamin i took were water soluable compounds.  thank goodness for that.  but perhaps if they're watersoluable, the pain in that area is my bladder?  bah, who am i to know?  should really get to know my organs better>.<

however, does overdosing on b12 cause lower abdomen pain?  enough pain to wake me up at night?  ahhh...i wanna go back to bed....

...fatigue...

these days are excrutiatng for me.  no, it's not like i'm sick or i'm in any sort of physical pain, but i'm fatigued and exhausted all the time.  i've been sleeping at 9:30 for two weeks in a row and i still feel unrested and gross when i wake up.  no, i am not pregnant, but i do wake up feeling like i want to throw up, head spinny and as if my muscles/bones ache.  i'm also finding myself either extremely hungry or without an appetite at all.  so i took the bf's suggestion.  i'm gonna make it a regular habbit of exercising.  not when i can, not when i want, but everyday.  right now, i'm just trying to map out a schedule to do this.  i'd rather exercise right after i wake up, but that's not possible as i couldn't possibly wake up any earlier than i do already.  i essentially just walk on my elliptical for about an hour.  so if i have to leave the house by seven, i could possibly wake up by 5 and exercise for at least 45 mins or even distribute it 30 mins in the morning and 30 mins after school....however, i am EXTREMELY tired after the course of the day.  one of the reasons why i'm hoping to get a job is cause i need moneys to invest in a better piece of equip:P  no more shotty, things falling apart elliptical>.<  but i should be glad i have it?  or else i'd really just sit on my ass EVERY DAY>.<

being healthy at least for the first little part is going to take some hard work and dedication.  i guess i'm jsut lazy and i've never really dedicated myself long term for anything...other than a relationship with the bf.  but i guess it's easy to stay committed/ dedicated when you see that even the bad days are pretty good.  i've never stuck with a program to see the results.  or i see the results and i no longer want to stay on a program. 

well i'm thinking that i'll start on a food journal again.  when i was actually concerned with writing what i was eating down, it became easier for me to stop eating, or eat at proper times.  but one shouldn't become tooo reliant on anything.  meh.....

maybe if i start exercising regularly, i'll no longer feel sooo fatigued.  if this continues to happen, i'll have to go to the doctors and get  myself checked out.  well...it has been 1.5 years since my last physical....it is about time that i go in....mmmm....

seriously....i don't understand why i'm getting headaches, soooo thirsty and lack of energy every single day.  blah....