...scariest feeling in the world...

i guess i shouldn't exaggerate, nor should i generalize.  but about 5 years ago, i felt the scariest thing in my life.  literally, my heart was beating so fast that i felt like i was going to have a heart attack each passing moment.

it all happened on a nice warm spring day.  I chose not to go home as I had another fight with the parentals that weekend and I was procrastinating (from studying for an exam i'm sure).  So instead, i took the opportunity to get out and enjoy the sun.  the day started out great.  i mean, i went to the arboretum- the one that guelph's famous for and took a walk in it and around the rest of campus.  it was the type of spring day that still had a layer of snow caked on the ground alongside shallow puddles.  sure it could have been a messy nasty day, but it wasn't.  the air was "chill".  warm...meaning probably hovering somewhere around -3 to about 3 degrees:P  welcome to canada

i walked for at least an hour before i stopped at this one stop.  for some reason, i took pictures of a picture that was hanging on the side of a wall of an art building/old historic building in guelph.  i don't know what that feeling was, but after i took a picture on it, it felt as if i had just intruded on an event that i should never have.  and at that moment, i felt the intent to kill- the thick atmosphere, sudden chill in the air, shivers down your spine, bloodlust.  i don't know the name of the building, but it's between the geometric chemistry thing and the bear on campus.  it was the last stop i stopped to before i headed back to my dorm room.  it was actually a stop i'd been to several other times before.  something about that spot was REALLY unsettling for me that day though.  my friends thought i was exaggerating the feeling.  some friend's just thought i watched tooo many horror films- the thing is, i think i've only ever watched 2 horror films in my life- the japanese version of the ring, and another korean horror, scream doesn't count:P that's a slasher film, not horror:P  but no one would believe me.  they all just kept thinking it was imagination. 

perhaps it was my imagination playing tricks on me that day/night, but that unease followed me everywhere for the rest of the day.  i took a shower during the day just to get that feeling off of me, but it didn't help.  i could feel that bloodlust lurking behind me as if to strangle me.  it felt as if i were being watched and spied on all the time.  it was like i could feel heavy breathing on my neck.  it was like i could see lips moving of the people i was seeing, but having no voice.  ghost you say?  i don't know what i saw.  they weren't bloody and for the most part, the images or whatever i saw were of normal people.  my friend thought it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, but i could honestly say that the feeling persisted.  all enraged with the motivation to cause misery to me for the rest of my life.  totally and utterly a horrible feeling.  just thinking about it makes me pray REALLY REALLY REALLY hard.  it may have been imagination, but i can look back to that moment and know that that fear was real.  i was still being the "rational" person a normal person should be, but the fear was debilitating. 

if i were to describe that feeling, it's like being covered in darkness and separated from GOD.  it's like i was in the lead box that kept kryptonite from being lethal to superman.  the fear that something evil is about to grab you and suck you into another dimension kind of feeling.  okay, i described the event completely hilariously, but that isn't my intent.  that feeling actually left me in tears.  mmm....maybe let me explain it this way, it was the type of feeling as if someone was there choking you, taking the breath right out of you.  that's how it felt. 

it's silly to feel that i was separated from GOD as HE is always with you, but at that moment, it was as if people were snickering and saying- just look at her, she's useless now.  can't imagine the feeling?  well don't.  it was the worst fear and moment in my life, it was a type of fear that i'd rather kill myself just so i wouldn't feel it.  it was THAT bad.  but i knew, if i did simply just end my life in that moment, all the fears that were surrounding me would have conquored and won.  but I am GOD's child.  I might not be the best of daughters, but well, He is still my Father.  my non-christian friends are probably thinking i'm berserk and nuts.  but all i can keep saying is that it is real whether you believe me or not.  no, i was not on drugs, am not on drugs, won't go on drugs. 

i don't really remember much from that day except that feeling.  i don't remember how i got back to my dorm.  i just remember going back to the dorm at around 3 and turning on all the lights in my dorm.  as it was already too dark by then. 

i remember trying to sleep that night and just kept feeling as if there was another unpleasant presence in the room.  if you saw me, you'd think i was crazy as it would seem that i was crying and muttering stuff.  that night was the only night i slept with the lights on. 

but, i managed to fall asleep- not because i felt safe with the lights on.  but do you want to know how?  i wasn't muttering nonsense.  though muttering sounds like it would be coming from a crazy person, but i was actually praying.  praying harder than in any other moment of my life as i actually felt my life was in danger.  i felt my life, my very soul was in danger as if someone was coming to try to steal it from me.  as i was lying in my bed cuddling butterscotch REALLY REALLY hard (to the point his head probably almost popped off), i kept praying.  I remember the next feeling that happened.  the room actually suddenly felt warm.  no, it wasn't situational.  The heater didn't suddenly think it would be nice to turn on (i lived through a winter WITHOUT heating as the heater in my room was busted and NO ONE came to fix it).  the room just suddenly felt brighter, felt warmer.  I don't know if i actually heard the words, but i remember feeling as if someone was telling me that everything would be alright and that i was protected from all my fears.  i remember falling asleep in tears, but with a smile on my face. 

to this day, i remember the fear i had, those feelings that were there.  but i also remember concretely feeling protected as if someone came to fight off the demons in my head/in my room.  And my soul will never let me forget that GOD is actually always there. 

...confusion...

total and utter confusion on my part.  after 20, almost 30 years of marriage, how can it seem as if they do not know each other?  perhaps it's because they never took the time to really know themselves.  my parents were highschool sweethearts.  but is this what young love leads to?  if that is the case, marriage on the basis of love is a sham.  but i guess the fact is that neither person has really grown up.  what do i mean about that?

they are the perfect match for each other.  essentially, they ARE the same people, but they just don't realize.  my father is a pessimist, but so is my mother.  of course, when you only look at others and fail to look inside yourself, you never really notice that the other person resembles the traits that you have. 

my mother lost her voice and is coughing up a lung every couple of mins, yet, somehow, she can still yell.  sigh.  i made her a tea today.  for the first time in my life, i actually wanted to take care of my parents like they would when i was sick....i wanted to take care of her like i would the bf.  heh.  maybe i grew up, or maybe the bf is making my relationship just a little better with my parents without me realizing it.  i don't know.  normally i just stay in my room and ignore everything. 

sigh, i'm afraid that if i get married, it would end up looking like the relationship i see with my parents.  i want to say that i'm different from them, but even if i am different, it doesn't mean that what happens to them won't happen to me. 

sigh....on days like today, i really do wonder if any relationship is made to last.  I do really hope very hard that mine will. 

...slow day...

today at placement has been an exceptionally SLOW day.  WAY slower than normal.  a typical day normally consists of a rush of people from 11 that take us to atleast 12 or 12:15.  today, we only had a rush from 11 to 11:30.  maybe it's because we had 3 people working intake, but there were fewer people on the list anyways. 

"it is true that people probably have extra money this time of the year" - why?  people on odsp or some sort of assistance have fixed income- hence, they can file their income taxes earlier.  and have money right away:P i never knew that.  i didn't think that they could count odsp or social assistance as that kind of stuff. oh, odsp stands for ontario disability support program- essentially, what people call social assistance for the "handicap" (so not being politically savy, but meh:P

hence...why i have time to fb and xanga while i'm at placement:P oh yippee to me?:P

...Mary J Blige- Be without you...

so in the mood that i'm in, here are the lyrics for this song that totally describes my mood:P 

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oooo (oh, oh, oh, oh) oooo

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can’t see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It’s so true that (yes)
We’ve been through it (yes)
We got real sh** (yes)
See baby we been...

Too strong for too long (and I can’t be without you baby)
And I’ll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can’t sleep without you baby)
Anybody who’s ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can’t be without your baby

I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin’ behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I’ll be faithful (yes)
I’m for real (yes)
And with us you’ll always know the deal
We’ve been...

Too strong for too long (and I can’t be without you baby)
And I’ll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can’t sleep without you baby)
Anybody who’s ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can’t be without your baby

See this is real talk
I’m always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you’re down on love or don’t believe
This ain’t for you (no, this ain’t for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it’s true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she’s the one (fellas tell your lady she’s the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got your love
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We’ve been...

Too strong for too long (and I can’t be without you baby)
And I’ll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can’t sleep without you baby)
Anybody who’s ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can’t be without your baby

Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

...I'm just not like you...

fighs like this happen.  why?  because i'm a girl and you're a guy.  we just don't think the same way all the time.  if i were another guy friend feeling shitty, maybe what you said may have helped or maybe it would be different i dunno.  but it only made me feel worst.  when i'm upset, i'm vulnerable and sensitive.  rather let me put it this way, when i'm upset, or frustrated, i'm more vulnerable and more sensitive than i normally would be.  something that i may not have thought twice about when i felt fine can rub me severely in the wrong way- like what happened tonight.  i guess i have to say i can't be sorry for that though....cause i don't know how to change that.  i don't believe in apologizing for something i can't change.  i can't even apologize for making you a little upset, because i won't take back what i said even though i feel guilty for making you a tad upset.  i did feel that what was said was impersonal though.  what hurt me was not the reality of the statement- why should someone get upset over what can't be changed?  it's that it was said in such a way that was all jaggedy at the edges- like i'm the worst person in the world for feeling shitty over something i can't see how i can change.  that's the difference between a statement that is said like "you should......" and a statement like, "i would try to do in your situation......."  perhaps the difference is subtle to some people, but it makes a BIG difference to the person who is upset.  a "you should" statement sounds like judgement.  even if the statement was intended for benefit instead of harm.  feeling judged regardless of state of mind feels BAD.  an "i would try to do in your situation" statement sounds like empathy.  maybe i'm trying to change tooo much?  i dunno. 

i just want sooo hard to have this frustration go away.  but school mandates that i complete 356 hours or something like that this year.  and even if i complete my 356 hours early, i cannot stop placement.  i'm at my wits' end.  although i've felt like crying many times, i never have- until tonight.  maybe it's because i realized how badly it's affected me- enough to have me bitch at the bf and get him upset along with me. 

next time i'll just do what you do- message/text to say i've had a shitty day.  but i feel it doesn't accomplish anything.  by ignoring conversations that hold the potential to be uncomfortable does not allow for the opportunity for either person to learn how to effectively communicate with each other, to learn to comfort each other, or to support each other- even if support means just to hear your breathing on the other end of the phone.  sometimes that is what i need- to know that you ARE the shoulder that will be there when i need to collapse and cry. 

sighs.  everytime something like this happens, it makes me feel like i'm the worst person in the world.  it makes me feel inadequate.  it gives reason to dump my ass and i fear that might happen.  if placement makes me feel sooo shitty all the time, this is bound to repeat itself.  sighs....if ever anything makes me feel shitty, this has the potential of happening again.  what then?  sighs.  i'm sorry for being such a weak person who cannot hold her own.  i am sorry that i feel like i can't change the circumstances that make me so upset.  i'm sorry that i just can't be like you.