Every time my mother comes home, the first words out of her mouth is never a greeting. The first words are generally, “are you going to….” If you have to ask, my answer to her is always no. why? it’s become reflex by now. Saying yes doesn’t bring me less grief, so I’d rather do something I want to do. By saying no helps me achieve being able to do what I want.

I am a grown adult. I could simply just drop out of school which she enrolled me into and find a job and just stick with it regardless of how crappy it is. But I like the program I’m currently in. Would rather be an actual full time student than a “part-time” student taking 4 courses though. My parents don’t understand that my course load IS a full course load. If I were actually doing it part time, I’d only take 1 or 2 courses max. sigh.

The truth is, I have very little motivation. The little motivation I do have is generally zapped right out of me by the time my mother tries to talk to me. Try is the operative word. In my family, communication is lacking in every direction. Wait, I guess that’s being unfair to my relationship with my sister. Hmmm, I will say that communication between the parental unit is lacking in every direction. How is it that I can remain calm to a stranger that annoys me, but I cannot remain calm to my parents?

I have first world problems. hahahaha

it’s true that many people don’t see the point in paid blogging.  Even I don’t really see the point.  honestly, if I wanted to go to wordpress, I would have.  But, it’s not necessarily all that simple is it?  The community that has been created here just isn’t the same as any other blogging website.  sure, you can have a blogroll with extensions to other people’s blogs, but how much do you really know these people?  I’ve felt at one time or another that I’ve gotten to know some people very well.  Though, I don’t know if others feel the same too.  I’ve always been on the fringes of this community- the floating stalker of people’s blogs.  I have never met the people I’ve subbed, but have I ever wanted to?  yeah, you really can count on me wanting to.  

with 5 days to go and a need of just over (?) 15k left to go to hit our mark, will xanga make it?  or is it going to be another social sharing site that’ll go down the tubes?  or perhaps there just wasn’t enough sub base to raise this amount?  I don’t think the latter is the issue though.  

I guess these days, to open your heart is like opening your wallets.  not everyone has that big of a wallet, but that doesn’t mean that they all have small hearts- some might.  like me, I’m in between jobs, trying to figure out what to do with my life- I simply just don’t have all that money to give.  though I did pledge because I really wanted to see where xanga would go.  

With this month coming to it’s end, I really do hope they’ll reach their goal.  I really hope to be there for the remake of xanga 2.0

5 some odd days until the fundraiser ends.  at 46k… just a little more needed….

Xanga has announced that it will have to close if it can’t raise it’s goal.  For me, I’m UNWILLING to see it close.  No, I don’t have a big subscriber base, but I have to do something- and it seems this is what I can do.

I’ve pledged! I wish I could afford more:(  though for me, $48 dollars is still pretty hefty for my broke ass at the moment.  But there is a one dollar pledge too.  

Although I really don’t blog all that much anymore, but hey! this has been 9 years of my life!  I’ve met my significant other on here! I’m totally not willing to let it die!  The xanga team doesn’t want to see it die.  And although I have never really met anyone personally, I love the community even though I’ve always been on the fringes.  But if I think about it, $48 for a year is less than a starbucks coffee every day of the week.  

want to to pledge?  Please go to the link below!  Even a dollar can help!  

https://xanga.crowdhoster.com/relaunch-xanga 

 let’s help xanga meet it’s relaunch dream! go go! 

it’s a tough world out there.  but i feel okay- other than the fact that I am working part time and consider myself unemployed.  I am reconsidering all my opportunities.  I will research companies that I can drive to to drop off my resume.  I still believe shoes to the pavement is still the best way.  why?  because it gives them a face.  but we’ll see if this’ll pay off.  I’m actually looking for a receptionist gig at a clinic or something.  BF thinks i’m totally too smart for this.  I too think so.  BUT, at least it’ll generally be a 9-5 job.  

My mother enrolled me in a weight loss program.  I feel slightly insulted, but I agreed to go.  

I do agree that I have bad habits that have contributed to my weight.  At the same time, I still feel completely insulted to be called “obese” as a 5’5 asian-decent female that weighs 160 lbs.  I generally feel good until i get called fat.  Sadly, perhaps if i were truly confident, i wouldn’t even bat an eye if someone called me fat.  My friend’s are too kind to say that “you’ve gained alot of weight.”  my sister, the nutritionist, thinks that the only thing unhealthy is that I’m a tad inactive.  

Perhaps a lot of people go into “diet” programs because they feel fat or feel unhealthy or whatnot, but I feel that i’m okay.  I just have to keep in mind that I will learn whatever I can for the 300 I put into this program.  Seriously, if i weren’t a member, it would be 600.  honestly, I just think it’s expensive.  And as i’ve said, I have to keep in mind that I will work at my hardest to lose whatever I can.  

“what you put your mind to, you can do.”  I have in my mind that I already said that I don’t want to change everything in my life.  anyways, time to research.

i bought a new laptop.  Rather, let me say that the parental unit has bought a new laptop.  I simply just took it for my own personal use.  Considering the fact that my last laptop is more than sufficient for whatever my parents wish to use it for, they let me choose the laptop that I would want.  Actually, the laptop is not the laptop that I truly truly wanted.  I limited myself to a certain budget.  So after buying the laptop and the warranty (which some people think is just a ripoff) everything came up to 700.  btw, these are canadian prices.  yes yes, if I went to the U.S, the price would be half of what I paid.  Honestly, the samsung series 3 pc I wanted was 299 on the bestbuy website for the U.S and 599 on the canadian one….seriously?  that really sucks!  (hopefully it’s just the independence day sale?)  

my father thinks that what i’ve purchased is expensive. I’ll give him that I could find cheaper.  However, unless I choose to buy the laptop that’s used or refurbished, it’ll be a little difficult to purchase the same laptop with my current specs for less than what I paid for.  Or maybe I didn’t do enough research, who knows?

Wanna hear about my pc specs?  well too bad, i’ll write it down anyways.  it’s an acer.  yes, roll your eyes all you want.  But I’ve had really good luck with acer laptops.  the first one I bought which was when I was 18 years old or so is still up and running with minimal problems.  A bit slow by today’s standard (since it’s only single core 2.8GHz from what i remember), but other than that, it’s still rather perfect other than tarnished silver coating.  The one I bought 3-5 years ago is running very well also.  Runs a bit hot, but other than that, it’s been pretty decent too.  This one?  I expect to last at least the same amount as my last one.  

Oh, so yes. This one’s only a quad core A10- 1.6 with turbo of 3.2.  has a AMD Radeon 7660G Dedicated graphics (not quite sure if that’s a good thing or not at the moment- I’ve always had integrated ones).  Has a 1TB hardrive with 10GB of ram.  I’m still wondering what the heck I’ll need 10GB of ram for.  Will I be running THAT many programs that it will require me to use up so much ram?  Or perhaps the windows 8 os really does require THAT much memory?  To my knowledge, this laptop is one of the first gen windows 8 models.  I might be wrong.  You’d think it would take me a long time to get adjusted….but after 5 mins….I can say I already understand why things are laid out the way they are.  

Although it takes me almost no time to get used to a new p.c and new windows o.s, for the life of me, I just can’t get how to work a mac.  Does that mean i’m stupid?  Or perhaps I just don’t have that mind to understand it?  Or is it that i’m just tooo familiar with a windows?  I mean, I grew up with windows.  Rather, I actually grew up with the D.O.S, but meh.  

oh yeah.  So I got into the beta of card hunter.  have you seen it?  It’s dungeons and dragons meets magic: the gathering.  I always thought that dnd and mtg were kinda dorky and nerdy….but if that’s the case, that’s what I am! muhahahaha.  Don’t think it’s for you?  well just watch the trailer, give it a try.  it’s free to play.  Maybe you’ll find that you actually enjoy it, or perhaps you won’t.  other than using time to play, it’s free, so what have you got to lose?  

Other than that, no more updates.  

Oh yeah, Canada day long weekend was ubber relaxing for me! oh yay!

i think cold calling is one of those things that everyone dreads.  Even doing a “cold email” can be something of a nightmare.  I absolutely abhor doing cold calls, but I’m slowly getting more and more accustomed to it.  why should I be afraid?  I’m a personable individual.  Plus, I really want the job and KNOW I can do it.  So what have I got to lose?  My dignity/pride?  Most people don’t just get handed jobs.  So it’s all going to be okay.  It’ll all work out in the end.  Mind you, I’ve only conducted 2 this time around for my job search.  The last time I did about 10….and most likely come off as sounding either arrogant or a complete idiot (or somewhere in between, who knows?)  

this time around, I’ve written myself a script for all the different people I may encounter while trying to reach the person i really want to talk to (someone in charge of hiring for so and so department).  I even wrote a short little message for the times I may get an answering machine.  I get antsy on the phone.  It’s one of my worst qualities.  Hence, this is why I write myself a script for a basis of what I want to say.  

Maybe I’m dreaming big when I hope with all my energy to get into a big immigration settlement agency.  But hey, if I don’t dream big, where will I end up?  I refuse to be part of the generation that can’t get good paying jobs or at least a job that I went to school for!  I refuse! I refuse! I refuse!

As long as I can control my nerves, I’ll be able to think about what I say and be the person they want to see (at least for the interview).  The problem is being given an opportunity.  What if I seem unappealing on paper?  How do I make myself look better?  There are tips and tricks, but I always think I don’t look like me on paper.  

Anyways, time to get ready for a few dozen more cold calls to agencies that I have to google first>.<

I’m 26 and don’t really have a single clue as to what the heck I want to do with the rest of my life.  okay, forget about the rest of my life.  Let’s just begin by saying that I’m unemployed and don’t know where my next place should be.  I was in retail for a bit over 2 years.  Does that set me back a lil?  It probably does a little, but really, are these skills non-transferable?  To believe so is stupid.  

I never thought I’d live past graduating university for some reason.  So, this makes it hard- to plan a life where you never imagined one.  

Yes, I’m stuck in that typical post-graduate rut.  Some people tell me to be picky about the jobs I want.  Others tell me to take whatever the heck comes my way.  me?  I don’t know what the hell I want.  I just know that I want a job.  Something that I’m not only good at, but something that I’ll truly enjoy.  

I went to school of Social work and Teaching English as a second language.  Looking back, did I go to school for stupid programs?  Even if I didn’t, I’m feeling quite useless now.  All the social work jobs I want, I apply- and nothing.  Teaching jobs?  don’t get me started.  I’m truly jaded at the entire thing- teaching English as a place just for socialization?  egh.  I feel like my efforts are all wasted if that’s the case.  No, it’s not that I’ve had students that don’t care and are disrespectful.  But just to hear that the students have been ones students for more than 10 years makes  me feel that it is a pointless endeavor.  I don’t EVER want to feel like what I’m doing is useless.

Everyone tells me to not get disappointed, but one day into the full time job searching after 4 hours of applying and I can’t help but feel that i’m actually useless.  

Not having an idea of what to do next and being driven don’t mix.  Right now, I’m just gonna let myself cry and wallow in my own pit of misery for a few hours before i do some more job searching and applying.  I think that’s what I need to do to calm myself.  bleh

on a side note, why the hell does my house smell like fracking mildew?  damnit! change the whole a/c system now! everything smells shitty and i can’t stop sneezing! 

it’s time for a new start.  i just finished my last day of work.  on the drive home, i couldn’t really stop crying.  I didn’t even think I’d be that upset.  But it’s all okay, it’s time to move on with my own life.  Hopefully I won’t have to do any more 11 hour days.  yay right?  

Here goes to finding myself a new job! going to email a school about the program i want to get into.  

not excited to be broke>.<

anyways, that’s all that’s “new” 

weeeeee……

I have made up my mind to what I want in the future. I know what I’d like to do. Still, the barrier is that in this society,  people don’t want to give the chance to new comers in the field. People don’t want to spend the time to train. I’m feeling like a failure. A lot of people that I graduated high school with are pretty high in their fields of work. I on the other hand couldn’t even decide what I wanted to do in my life until just recently when I was given the choice to go back to school. So,  a little update on my situation is in order I’m sure. I’ve gotten accepted to the program I applied for,  fundraising management. However, my mother has decided not to fund my education. So I’m left without having a job since I’ve quit and have no intention on staying.  I’ve decided that I’m going to write to the agencies I want to work for with prospective letters. I’ve also decided to look for another part time retail job to have some source of income for the time being. 

I’d even work for a call centre if options are open. Ill be fine. I’ll work out my options.  I do want to go to school for fundraising management.  So ultimately,  I will go back to school part time. 

Now that I have a goal in mind,  things don’t seem so stressful. Anyways,  time to start work. Oh yay….

so i decided that i would quit.  getting paid is nice, but when you can’t get higher than your rank, is it worth it to stay? at 12/hr i’m sure i can do better.  so i’ve decided.  I’ll even take a part time job and volunteer to gain certain experience that i want for my dream job.  it’s upsetting.  i’m 26 this august and i feel so unaccomplished.  it’s sad i think no?  

so my final date will be june 22.  hope i get a job soontime.