I have an e-reader that I use quite a bit.  However, these past few days, I’ve been reading actual books.  Some books just don’t look good in e-reader format.  I’m reading a book on the power of habits.  as such, there are lots of charts and graphs and stuff.  this just can’t necessarily translate into e-reader format sometimes.

Funny enough though, the same company that made my e-reader has made the mini version.  I’m just thinking that it looks cute.  I on the other hand WAS contemplating whether or not I should get it.  Then I realized one HUGE thing.  It’s that I don’t need another one.  I want it because of the hype.  it’s “new”, it’s smaller, it’s “faster”.  The speed of my “slow” kobo doesn’t bother me anyways though.  Plus, why would I want a smaller reading screen to begin with?  I like my fonts HUGE-assed.  So a small screen would mean I’d only get about 3 words to ever line and probably only 12 lines at best down the screen.  hahahaha.  

And this is the problem.  We all just keep buying stuff we want, but not necessarily need.

I got an x-box for my birthday.  I love it.  But I don’t play it as often as I’d like (got the kinnect and would love to play some kinnect exercise games).  The thing is, I normally DON’T want to do anything after coming home from an 11 hour shift.  I just want to veg for an hour or 2 and then sleep.  

I have shelves upon shelves of useless crap.  This spring, I’m actually gonna set aside a time for spring cleaning…maybe the bf would like to help…since I obviously cannot organize:P hahahahahaha.  

he seems to like to stack things by sizes.  

heh…halloween party….one that I didn’t really anticipate going.  thankfully I have that 80 dollar costume I bought 2 years ago.  I’ll be wearing it again.  There was a costume place that sold the same kinds of outfits for half the price.  but even at half price, I don’t feel like spending 40 dollars.  With paying osap and trying to pay as much as my own bills as possible, It’s already really difficult.  I still have 300 dollars for my visa bill that I need to find the money for=.=”   BUT…this wednesday I shall be getting a bigger paycheque…that should subsidize my savings, osap/student loan repayment, and most of my bills.  plus, my bill is HIGH because i bought some stuff for the parentals because my mother never carries a purse/wallet.  

I bought new nail polish yesterday.  The thing is, I really didn’t need any more nail polish.  I already have about 200 dollars worth of colours.  Oh, btw, I LOVE glitter.  about 60% of my colours are shimmery or glittery.  hahahaha.  and even still, I didn’t need the colours I bought.  I just thought it would be fun.  They were Nicole by OPI colours.  and I bought 2 for 11.50.  So….I figured that wasn’t TOOOO bad.  So it means I spent about 1 hours of work time yesterday.  

my tummy’s not feeling right today.  kinda painful.  boourns.  

sorry for the odd random post.  Just figured I’d share everything and nothing inside my head at this time…

OH! time to go to work…yes….working weekends SUCKS…oh wells….looks like it’ll be busy today…RAIN!!! is it bad that i hope it’s busy and not dead?:P  

i didn’t think I left the house in disarray.  but what do i know?  

I pick my parents up from the airport at 7:33 am (I would have gotten there earlier if it weren’t for a collision that took 30 mins just to travel a couple of KM).  They were pissed I was late.  I already left the house at 6:15.  I was gonna leave at 6:30, but I figured the rain might make things worse.  How was i supposed to know there was a truck accident that blocked 1.5 lanes on the highway this morning??  they didn’t mention it though.  they just figured I was stuck in traffic.  if they bitched to me about that, i’d have told to just drive home and i’ll find some other way to get home from the airport.  I was not ready to deal with that shit today.  It normally doesn’t take me an hour and 15 mins to get to the airport…even with traffic, going to the airport normally only takes 40-50 minutes tops.

The first thing I ask was how was their trip.  They don’t respond.  We get into the car, and the first thing they ask me is, “have you been looking for jobs.”  seriously?  you don’t ask me how i’ve been.  You don’t ask me about what I’ve been doing, but instead, you ask if i’ve been looking for a job?  and then they go to follow up with, “how’s the dog?”  yeah, i’m feeling pretty dejected.  I’m feeling REALLY REALLY resentful now.  I’m really REALLY angry.  then as an afterthought, mother goes, “i heard you got burnt making tea, how’s it healing?”  at this point, i’m pretending to be in a good mood.  I’ve already started feeling really angry and upset that my parents just don’t know how to talk at all.  

I’m actually afraid to tell them that I got a full time job as an assistant manager in the store I’ve been working at for a year.  No, I am not ashamed, I am actually fearful.  To me, I feel that getting the assisstant manger position/being offered the position was quite an accomplishment.  so, I’m genuinely proud of it.  the only thing i am ashamed about is the low pay and no benefits, but I’ll manage.  I’ve pretty much told most of my friends of my little “accomplishment”.  Sure, yeah, it’s only 12/hr, no benefits, but I generally enjoy the work.  I like what I do.  at this point in my life, I think being happy is WAY more important.  why live a life where I’m dissatisfied with a big portion of my life?  just for money?  yeah, money may be important, but there are other ways to work around the lack of having it.  coming up with ways to save and work around a “lack” of money makes me ingenious in certain ways doesn’t it?:D

Having lived on my own for 2 weeks, I really REALLY want to move out.  or perhaps it’s a need for mental health issues.  I just can’t deal with feeling inadequate in a house, where my own routines just can’t work because i’m not fitting to their routines.  I know it sounds like a cop-out, but I’m 100 times more stressed when the parents are home.  I’m actually feeling really sad at this point.  could also be a trigger from the weather, but I just want to hermit in my room today and not leave unless it’s to the bathroom.  

I always feel as if I have to live by their standards because the way I am is NOT good enough.  Maybe it’s the traditional chinese parent thing, but I have NEVER been told that they were proud of me for ANYTHING.  never….ever have I been told that I made them proud.  And I guess that’s why i just can’t be around them.  they’ve never told me “good job, maybe do this next time.”  instead, it’s always been, “why did you do that?  you should have done this.”  That’s what my parents do.  without realizing it, they have always made me feel inadequate.  If I did everything they asked, it would still always be, why didn’t you do that little bit extra?  There’s just no winning.  and after living with it for so long, you’d think I’d get used to it.  But I can’t.  I don’t know how to cope with that.  

I thought I was keeping the rest of the house pretty clean already.  But then again, “cleanliness” is different to me because I guess I’m pretty much a slob.  the only “dirty” thing that annoys me is having dirty dishes.  generally i clean them all when I’m up to it, but I’ve been lazy.  I let them pile in the sink for a few days before cleaning it.  meh….at the very least, there were no dirty dishes and stuff in the sink when they came home.  whatever.  i’m generally in a horrible mood now.  I just want to scream at them and ask them why is it so important.  was the house REALLY all that messy?  

After all this, I still think that i’m a pretty well-adjusted person.  I just wish I were one of those people who could get along with my parents on the most part.  Thankfully I’m the type of person that remembers more happy things than I do disappointments.  Otherwise, I would be an ill-adjusted person with parental issues and even more self-esteem problems.  

My parents complain that I game too much.  ironically, I game a lot because I want to get out of my own head from getting angrier and more upset at myself and the parents.  BUT…it’s a cycle that only leads to more disappointment and nagging/complains.      But knowing my parents, it wouldn’t matter.  if I exercised more, they’d be like, why don’t you help around the house.  When i help out around the house more, they’d be why aren’t you doing this and that.  so really….there’s just no winning.  

Don’t they understand that eventually I’m gonna pull away and never come back if they keep doing this?  eventually the only familial tie i’ll have left is with my sister…..

I have a big blister on my leg.  I recently burnt myself due to spilling a cup of tea.  Yes, it WAS a scalding cup of tea as I had JUST finished boiling the water.  Needless to say, the pain is quite surprising.  However, I feel as if it doesn’t hurt as much as it should.  It’s a second degree superficial burn.  It shouldn’t be all that bad.  

I was told not to pop the blister.  As much as seeing the bubble makes me want to pop it, I know I shouldn’t for many reasons.

Sure, most people say it’ll heal faster if I just popped it.  The thing is

1) the chance of infection is much higher if you manually pop it
2) it is going to be more painful if you pop the blister (why?  because the blister is your body’s way to tell you NOT to touch it.  It is your body’s natural mechanism acting like a cotton pad or gauze)
3) the scarring would be much worse if you popped the blister because you would be agitating the already irritated burnt area.

So, due to all this, I WILL NOT pop the ugly blister even though the ointment leaks through my pants and makes washing a total hastle.  

generally, my blisters pop on their own.  at this point though, I think I’m waiting for the skin to reabsorb the stupid fluid….  I’m just afraid that it’ll still be infected.  I’m pretty prone to getting infections over tiny little cuts….  all the cleaning and stuff.  boo…

There are a few questions on this topic.  Tears can be a general reaction to anything.  Pain, sadness, anger, frustration, joy, surprise, empathy.  

Have you ever seen someone cry on the bus, or on a park bench or anywhere public?  Did you ever have a feeling to run up to them and comfort them?  I don’t know about you, but when I see someone crying, I feel like crying with them.  Even if it’s a complete stranger, generally I’d just want to sit right next to them, pat them on the back or something.  But maybe because I’m a crazy woman.  When people cry, I just think that they might say they want to be alone, but the truth is…NO ONE really wants to be alone carrying all their burdens of sadness alone.  But as a stranger, people don’t welcome random strangers to carry their load even if they are willing.  

But that’s not really what raises most of my questions.  My main question is why is it that it is “shameful” to be emotional?  When did being able to express yourself become such an unwanted thing?  Sure, being able to conform to “emotional standards” would be fine and dandy, but when did the norm become one that means you could only express joy/happiness and frustration/anger?  Even now, being happy and angry have been limited.  There’s just so many definitions on what’s healthy these days.  

The other question that riddles my mind is this: When in history did being “emotional” deem you to have some psychiatric issue?  Honestly, why have humans tried to be so….um…what’s the word i’m looking for?  oh right! When did humans try to be so un-human?  Yeah yeah, unhuman doesn’t exist, but inhuman just doesn’t seem to fit my need.  I just feel that we have gone beyond labeling what is “healthy” emotional behaviour and started to label everything “extreme”.  Maybe that’s just my understanding though.

I never understood why so many men I know are ashamed when they cry.  Heck, I know enough women who are ashamed when they cry.  Though I must say, most women are ashamed to cry because they don’t want to look like a mess and seem “crazy”.  Men though, don’t want to cry because they think it makes them weak.  I just say this, crying makes us human.  What makes you cry might not be what makes someone else cry, but there’s no need to be ashamed is there?  

Lots of people think that being strong means that we don’t show emotions.  I don’t know where that started.  But the thing is, to be strong, we must know ourselves.  THAT means we MUST know what makes us feel the way we do.  

So I guess.  My last question is WHY and WHEN has being strong become equated with showing no emotion?

Today I realized that if circumstances were different, we wouldn’t be the people we were.  Sure, this is an obvious almost given kind of fact of life, but this is the first time it really hit me in the face as something new.  It’s sad to admit, but I’ve taken for granted the fact that I have a wonderful bf.  No, don’t worry.  The bf and I haven’t broken up  or anything.  I still love him and we’re still together.  For the first time ever though, I just realized that if anything in our lives were different at the time we started dating, we may not be with each other now.  

I mean, if his computer were not under construction prior to the time he met me, he may not have contacted me through xanga at all.  If I had gone out and met more people, and someone asked me out, I wouldn’t be with the bf.  

Do you believe in fate?  Do you believe in destiny?  As a Christian, it has always been hard to explain whether or not I believe this.  To say I believe in destiny is to forgo the fact that I, as a God-Created human, have free will.  But at the same time, I truly believe that God has a plan for us all.  

And although I say that if circumstances were different, we’d all be different people.  The clear truth is “Duh! it’s obvious! God has a plan for me.”  He shapes me to be the person he wants me to be.  

I don’t know why I felt like writing this, I just felt I ought to.  oh…the joys of sudden blog urges.  heh.

If you don’t know what MBA stands for, it means Master of Business Administration.  Yes, the title is vague, but you can specialize in different fields.  I’m not really interested in business.  However, I am only interested because people have suggested I should try to go for it.  The bf would have more luck applying for such a program than me.  But I wonder if he’s ever thought about it.

It’s easy for people to tell me to go get an MBA.  What most people don’t realize is that the entrance to ANY MBA course is strict for someone who is NOT a business major.  In fact, having a social work specialty makes it REALLY hard.  Especially since I studied a form of “radical” social work framework, any area of study in business is like the complete opposite of what my social work education has taught me…or so my education would have me believe.  

For mature students, some MBA programs require you be in a management position for at least 8 years before applying.  And how long would it take me to GET to that management position? 

I have my undergrad and that’s 1 pre-requisite to any master’s program.  I have a 3.43 average meaning I had about mid 80′s scores.  So if admittance was based solely on this, I may have a chance….but competition is high.

Not only that, I’d have to take my GMAT….a General Management Admissions Test.  Wonder how long it would take me to study for that.  Tests have never really scared me.  I figured I study as hard as I can, go in and answer what I can.  The score doesn’t matter.  However to enter to any MBA program, the score does matter.  

For something I have the least bit of interest, is it worth putting in so much effort?  I almost don’t think it’s worth it.  Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s NOT worth it for me to even bother.  I am not driven and motivated to even apply.  so…I’m not.  

I’m actually rather interested in taking other things, like event planning or something else like that.  We’ll see….

I have decided that I don’t mind customer service.  As such, I may apply for big banking companies to fill their customer service departments.  YES, dealing with complainey people about visa bills and whatnot.  I’ll see.  At least it pays better than retail.  You’re all probably thinking, “she must be crazy!”, but the truth is, I like this kind of stuff.  Though maybe the reason I’ve loved retail is because I’ve been working with shoes, and I love trying to sell good shoes to people.  who knows.   I deal with complainy, rude, and sometimes very stupid customers while still feeling great at the end of the day.  I’m just thinking, WOULDN’T a company want me for those qualities?  mmmmm.  I’m having a mid-twenty-life crisis I guess.  Though, I firmly know who I am, I’m just completely lost in my prospective future.  I firmly believe that I can do anything I set my mind to.  And perhaps because I was raised like this, I have a hard time deciding on WHAT I want to do.

The current place of employment had the the best interview experience for me.  

I applied on Monday (even though it was a long weekend), got a phone call on Tuesday for an Interview for Thursday, and was hired on Friday.  hahahaha.  2 Weeks later, I’m in.  ”I can’t let you ring things under your own number because it’s not fair to the other associates.”  BUT, no one has been helping me, so isn’t it unfair to me to ring MY SALES under other people?  seriously….HELL NO!  

I’m planning on taking a few courses.  I might take a wedding planning one.  I’m debating whether I want to do it in person or just over the internet.  Although the internet is convenient, doing the course in person means I meet people and create contacts.  I think it’s important to make contacts wherever possible.  Yes, internet is convenient, but it also secludes me into my isolated world.  So, I’m thinking I might just take it in person even though there’s LOTS of commuting costs included.  I’ll talk to my mother and bf to see what they think.   Although my mind is pretty set, I think it’s important.  Plus, If I decided to go into the business of wedding planning and event planning, it’s important to build a network anyways…so why not?  people WANT to celebrate happy occassions….THOUGH, I don’t know how many people realize they need an event planner.  but of course this depends….

I’m also debating on taking a course for desktop publishing.  It’s so I can take a future course in photoshop and all those other wonderful adobe applications.  I’m just thinking of when the bf ACTUALLY decides to take his photography into fulltime employment  at least I can help him out somewhere (since I don’t really have an eye for capturing and image- I just like looking at them)…

I was also thinking about Early Childhood education, but I hated it when my mother was doing it.  So who knows.  Spent 4 hours looking at education stuff from colleges.  Um….sheridan college has THE WORST website.  NOTHING loads properly.  I keep saying that so and so link is no longer available…seriously?  what does sheridan college pay it’s web tech staff to do?  

mmmmm…..

…It started when I realized that I was a gamer chick.  I can’t remember what game I was playing, but finding Blue Diamonds were excessively rare…meaning market price for the gem was sky high.  I could never afford it.  And the ones I had in game were all gifts from my fellow guildmates.  Technically, I could have sold them and became super rich, but for some reason, I didn’t ever do that.  It’s like a precious gift that I felt bad for selling or regifting.  I have always been able to find excessively friendly and generous guilds for some reason.  

Somehow, having generous guildmates kinda translated into being more generous in real life. But that wasn’t the only thing to come into my real life.  Wanting and aiming for that blue diamond has for whatever reason also trickled into my real life fantasies.  Though, I’ve grown up a little more.  

From many years ago, I’ve wanted a blue diamond engagement ring.  silly isn’t it?  but it doesn’t really matter to me as much.

These are totally my opinion.  You don’t have to agree….but these are my thoughts on engagement rings….

Who needs to spends BILLIONS on an engagement ring?  Sure being billions of dollars means that it probably is the finest diamonds, cut without a flaw and is gorgeous…BUT, does it really matter in the end?  having such a ring with such a stone in it just means that your ring will outlast you.  And I guess that’s kind of cute and sweet symbolizing that you’re still promised and committed to someone even after death (if you want to think that way.)  but I dunno.  

I’d rather have a bigger budget for my honeymoon and future house together than to spend a gob of money on the ring….just my thought.  

anyways…time to get ready and do other stuf….blah…

gotta find another job….what it is i want to do?  I dunno….