Yeah yeah, I'm sorry for the long hiatus between one post to the next.  working about 50+ hours a week leaves me with little time to anything else.  Rather let me rephrase, 50 hour work weeks leave me with little me time and little energy for anything else.  Especially since I generally work 11 hour days, the me time I have left, I just want that to be MY time.  

So what have I been doing this past little while?

What do I have that's been going well these days?  I guess I'd have to say I finished doing my Christmas shopping.  But I never really had anyone to shop for other than the bf and myself.  

Is it weird that I don't really give gifts to the bf's parents?  sigh.  I should probably get them a gift...but what?  I don't know.  Maybe the bf and his siblings will get them something I can pitch in for.  sigh.  

No major accidents in my life.  So I'm okay.  My sister's pregnant and she's due soon.  I'm excited to be an aunt...kinda.  I still don't like kids....at 25, is that normal?  Or maybe it's because I've always thought adoption was a viable option that I never felt any rush.  Plus, I don't want to go through diapering or anything.  I'd adopt a 4 year old who may or may not still wet the bed.  but wetting the bed is something I can handle.  I just can't handle poopy diapers.  yeah, how "unwomanly" am i?  The entire poopy diaper thing makes me want to gag just thinking about it.  

I'm in a really horrible mood.  Why is it that I always seem to come onto xanga to vent?  I'm glad it's not angsty teenager stuff now.  BUT it's totally first world problem venting.  YES, I totally realize that the stuff I vent about are first world problems, it doesn't mean that they don't feel like problems to me.  

And so I think that in the new year, I WILL move out.  The goal I set is that by March of next year, I will have moved out of my parents place.  Hopefully by then, I also get a new better job.  Of what at the moment?  I don't know.  I'm just really sick of all the parental nagging.  BUT, i'm not getting a better job because they want me to, I'm getting a new job because I want it.  I'm also planning a future move out with $12/hr.  so hopefully when I have a better paying job, I can recalculate spending.  Atm, I'm also doing these calculations without the bf.  I'm not a fan of living paycheque to paycheque.  So I'd really like not to have to do that.  Of course, I can, but I know the importance of saving and refuse to live on the edge.

Yeah, I love the bf, but I feel that we both lack a sense of urgency when doing these kinds of things.  And although this may be a bitch slap in the face for him, he's said he wants a new job for as long as we've been dating.  And yet 5 years later, he's still in the job he hates.  What I am glad is that he has his own passions on the side that make his boring, dreary work life okay.  I on the other hand only have gaming as a passtime for after work life.  And as much as I enjoy it, I do wish I had other passions.    This is partially why I want to take some crafts courses.  So even if the things I make aren't sellable quality, at least I have a pass time other than work, gaming and reading.  

The entire issue is that if I just listened to what they said, they wouldn't nag at me.  and by they, I mean my mother.  I know she's my mother and it's VERY unchristianly of me to be this way, but each and every time she nags (which is at least once a week), I end up getting angrier and angrier every time.  As much as I tell the bf that I wouldn't want him to sever ties with his parents, I'm so angry at this point that I would sever ties with mine.  And although I'd like to have financial support from my parents, I'm at the point of "so what if I'm destitute till I make my own way in life"?  If I have to starve, I'll do it.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  I've lived in a shack of a house with no running hot water and only few outlets have electricity.  so at this moment, I could pretty much say that I can do it again.  EVEN though it was entirely annoying, I've been there done that.  

yeah, this will be very teenager of me, but i don't like people touching MY stuff.  even if my room is messy, don't TOUCH anything.  yeah, it's nice to come home to a nice clean room, but at the same time.  It's VERY VERY annoying when people touch my stuff.  I can always find all my shit in my pile of shit.  But when you touch my stuff, you better be prepared for me to ask you where you put my stuff.  if you don't know/can't remember, quit touching my fracking things.  

well, anyways.  before I break down and cry due to stupid frustration and anger, i'll leave it here.  

I really wish I were able to write more happy things.  I Never seem to be able to write when I'm in a good mood.  sigh.  

Okay, fine.  After all my rantings about church, I decided to find one that I would want to go to.  I want to go to a non-denominational one.  I'm sick of proclaiming, I'm a baptist, evangelist, anglican and what not and what not.  I just want to say, I'm Christian.  

Although I do not attend church, I cannot deny that I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour who was sent to die on the cross for my sins.  And yes, I haven't really been willing to listen to what God has to say to me through the bible, it doesn't stop me from believing.  Naive faith?  I guess you can call it that.  But your logical arguments against Christ won't stop me from believing.  THAT'S just the way I am.  You can have your point of view and I can have mine, just don't believe I'll convert for anything.  

Yes, I'll put that out there.  No fibre in my being can deny it.  But I won't go to say that all other religions are wrong.  why?  because in every religion, be it "distorted" from mine or not, they generally have roots of wanting to seek GOD.  as such, isn't this search valiant in some way?  As a true Christian, shouldn't you be able to see GOD everywhere?  Couldn't you see God even if it wasn't in your religion?  I actually really hate that word religion.  It means almost nothing to me.  Religion to me almost means brain washing....so really, I don't want it.

When did going to church mean that you fit it into your schedule?  I was always raised on the belief that church should be the thing you worked around.  For instance, people used to travel to the synagogues from miles and miles away because that was their "local" church.  And sadly, I have become one of those people who want to fit church into my schedule instead of the other way around.  I want it to be relatively close.  I want it to fit into the time before I go to work.  Sadly, it isn't as easy as this.  ergs...

When did listening to the message of Christ become so difficult?  am I just making it harder for myself?  I probably am.  

At this moment, I'm just sick and tired of having people tell me that so and so church is a good church because of so and so reason- all reasons which have NOTHING to do with the actual message of Christ itself.  And here's why I'm a skeptic.  Even if someone told me that the sermons were great, I'd think they were being brain-washed.  so...isn't this a no win situation?  Am I being to philosophical about all this?

mmmmmm.....completely annoyed...

when do people start thinking that nagging and scolding worked?  or rather, when did I stop listening?

The more my parents tell me to go to church, the less I want to.  And yes, although I know it's the right thing to do as a Christian, how does going because of NAGGING parents mean I am devoted to Christ?  It doesn't.  I fully know that I will NOT go until I am ready to go back.  And at this moment, I just cannot.  Why?  Because I know that if I do go, I'll just be an empty shell sitting in a pew, not wanting to get to know anyone, not wanting to really listen to the sermon.  So really, what's the point?  so I can be "close" to GOD and his community?  Yeah, seriously THINK it through before you yap at me every single fricken day about going to church.  Lay the Frack off...

Now onto having a job.  Um, I don't think a first full time position as an assistant manager is all that bad.  Yeah, I'm assistant manager for a FIRST full time job.  It doesn't pay the greatest, but i have ASSISTANT MANAGER under my belt.  so honestly, what do you freaking want?  I can't just up and quit after a month of getting the position.  Yes, I know it's retail and I work Most Sundays.  But you know what?  because you told me to take Sunday's off, I WILL work more Sundays.  seriously, think your actions through.  When have I EVER listened to your scoldings and naggings?  haven't I in fact ALWAYS done the opposite?  Do you think that by your nagging I would suddenly see my world as being really corrupt and that I will automatically go to church?  Sure, sometimes it does feel empty, like a part is missing on Sunday, but who are you to tell me what to do?  Um..uh huh, you're my parents.  I should obey you.  BUT, what if I know I'm not ready?  You'll force it on me anyways?  egh...please back off.  

You were not raised in the church, you do not know what it feels to be me.  You don't understand why I don't want to go back.  So honestly, Just LAY OFF!  They're my parents, but at this rate, the more they keep scolding me about these things, the less I will listen.  I'll become that child that only calls for birthdays and christmas.  So honestly, they really do need to stop all this nagging.  Let me be and do my own stuff for a while.  It's not like I'll magically figure out my life with all their nagging and negative energy.

If I go now, I'll only see what's wrong with Church.  So honestly, please DO NOT push this matter any further.  Of course, I should really be telling them, but I have NEVER communicated well with my parents.  they don't listen to me.  They never have.  And I will never listen to them because of it.  

Does this help you understand why after I cook, I always say something's wrong with it?  It's because I've never been good enough.  When I cook, I never get compliments from my parents, instead it's always a complaint of one thing or another.  

No, I'm not saying my life sucks.  Instead, I'm just complaining that my parents are over-involved in my life without realizing how annoying they're becoming.  Even as a little girl, I had a mind of my own.  What do you think? I'm any different now?  I am not my sister.  You cannot tell me what to do, because I can make decisions and make my own mistakes bearing all consequences.  So leave me alone.  I don't need this.

If the problem is that I'm not financially stable, fine.  I get it.  As long as I'm using your money, I'll have to do what you want.  Fine, I'll pay for everything myself.  Tires included.  so this month, all my money goes to osap and paying bills.  fine.  

I always blame my animator friend who got me hooked on gaming.  More specifically rpg games....and the mmo type too.  But what he says is really true.  "you can't blame me about being a gamer.  you always were one, but you just never realized until you played."

But what makes a person a gamer?  is it when they dream about games? when they wait for the next big launch of something they like?

If you were once a gamer are you always a gamer?  

I feel like I'm wanting to expand my repertoire of hobbies and stuff I like.  Unfortunately for me, I have periods of addiction.  ACTUAL addiction to things i do.  The immense feeling of being "high" over doing things motivates me for a period.  Like all addictions, there's a crash in my system (after it's gotten used to the feeling) when i'll be seeking the next thing to get me "higher".  doesn't it sound like i'm a thrill seeker?  and it's funny though, because I think I would be, if I weren't so needy to have company to try new things with.  hahahaha...also, IF i had the money to do it.  

But if I'm seeking new experiences, does it mean I'm not a gamer afterall?  if I enjoy playing movies on the computer over playing games on the computer, does that mean I'm not a gamer?  

I mean I really can't play MOST xbox games.  why?  I get motion sick.  Probably because I grew up with super mario in 2-d on the N.E.S.  Played sonic the hedgehog on the sony machine (was it the dreamcast?  I can't remember)

The point being, the games that I like still haven't changed much.  I always prefer the cutesy cartoons versus real life graphics.  However, it's not that I can't enjoy really good graphics, my brain just takes a little while longer to adjust to it.  

anyways...who's up for trampolining or rock climbing?

i want to move downtown.  my condo is finally finished.  i can move in in march.  the issue is...is it worth it?  I make a gross income of 1900....net income makes it about 1700.  after osap, i have about 1400.  100 for savings, 200 for food, 200 for gas....that leaves 900.  minus 200 for bills.  that leaves 700.  so....that means i can only pay my parents a total of 700 to live in the condo they bought for me. 

now, the question is whether it is worth living downtown while working in the suburbs.  and the answer is a clear resounding NO.  sigh.  I'll be driving an extra 10km.  meaning i'll ahve to maintain my car more frequently.  i won't have savings for anything, ie: future wedding, house downpayment or anything for that matter.  

so what do i do?  living at home may drive me up the wall....but so will living on my own when i'm living over my means.  

I could find a job downtown....but can i find a job that pays more than my current job?  what field should I look into?  sigh.  THIS stuff stresses me out.  I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff.  

as much as I want to live downtown in the condo my parents bought for me, it is clear to me that I cannot live there on my own.  

this really makes for a very VERY sad sabina....sigh.... me a sad panda now....time for bed, working ubber early.  sigh.  night night.

and i'm not talking about picking your nose.  hahaha.  nor am I talking about being a picky eater.  I'm talking about being picky about jobs.

When you don't have a job, where is the money coming from?  if you really needed the money, how picky would you be? could you afford to be picky?  I guess it's different when you're single and living with your parents.  you don't have bills to pay because your parents would pay the bills.  but how long do you want to live off your parents?  don't you want to try your hand at the real world and see how successful you'd be?

your first job matters- or so i'm told.  it leads you to your future.  but what if you like what you're doing?  what if you don't mind "settling"?  what if you don't feel like you're settling when everyone else thinks you are?  

people think i'm crazy.  when I tell them I don't mind retail and i'm looking to stay, they all look at me with wide eyes and say, "but you're smart!"  No, I'm not looking to stay as a customer service representative for the rest of my life.  I'm looking to advance.  I'm looking to be a manager, a district manager....or something higher up?  is that possible?  but, I'll need education....so the question is...where should I get this education and what should i take?  heh

time to talk to my investment advisor.  

I've decided to quit my part time job.  why?  because it's not worth commuting back and forth.  I like the job, but i want some me time other than the time after work.  I don't want my life to primarily consist of working.  I'll just tell them i've decided to go back to school/part time for something.  which is true.  unfortunately, they'll ask why I'm not staying till january when the new semester begins.  oh well.  they don't need to know.  

my gross income is 1.9k.  for a first job, I think that isn't tooo bad...ALSO....assistant manager title sounds pretty impressive.  hahaha.  now, time to go get that business diploma! business management? marketing? what should i go for....any suggestions?  I'd ideally go for retail management, but all the places i've seen for that is only full time....boourns?

I have an e-reader that I use quite a bit.  However, these past few days, I've been reading actual books.  Some books just don't look good in e-reader format.  I'm reading a book on the power of habits.  as such, there are lots of charts and graphs and stuff.  this just can't necessarily translate into e-reader format sometimes.

Funny enough though, the same company that made my e-reader has made the mini version.  I'm just thinking that it looks cute.  I on the other hand WAS contemplating whether or not I should get it.  Then I realized one HUGE thing.  It's that I don't need another one.  I want it because of the hype.  it's "new", it's smaller, it's "faster".  The speed of my "slow" kobo doesn't bother me anyways though.  Plus, why would I want a smaller reading screen to begin with?  I like my fonts HUGE-assed.  So a small screen would mean I'd only get about 3 words to ever line and probably only 12 lines at best down the screen.  hahahaha.  

And this is the problem.  We all just keep buying stuff we want, but not necessarily need.

I got an x-box for my birthday.  I love it.  But I don't play it as often as I'd like (got the kinnect and would love to play some kinnect exercise games).  The thing is, I normally DON'T want to do anything after coming home from an 11 hour shift.  I just want to veg for an hour or 2 and then sleep.  

I have shelves upon shelves of useless crap.  This spring, I'm actually gonna set aside a time for spring cleaning...maybe the bf would like to help...since I obviously cannot organize:P hahahahahaha.  

he seems to like to stack things by sizes.  

heh...halloween party....one that I didn't really anticipate going.  thankfully I have that 80 dollar costume I bought 2 years ago.  I'll be wearing it again.  There was a costume place that sold the same kinds of outfits for half the price.  but even at half price, I don't feel like spending 40 dollars.  With paying osap and trying to pay as much as my own bills as possible, It's already really difficult.  I still have 300 dollars for my visa bill that I need to find the money for=.="   BUT...this wednesday I shall be getting a bigger paycheque...that should subsidize my savings, osap/student loan repayment, and most of my bills.  plus, my bill is HIGH because i bought some stuff for the parentals because my mother never carries a purse/wallet.  

I bought new nail polish yesterday.  The thing is, I really didn't need any more nail polish.  I already have about 200 dollars worth of colours.  Oh, btw, I LOVE glitter.  about 60% of my colours are shimmery or glittery.  hahahaha.  and even still, I didn't need the colours I bought.  I just thought it would be fun.  They were Nicole by OPI colours.  and I bought 2 for 11.50.  So....I figured that wasn't TOOOO bad.  So it means I spent about 1 hours of work time yesterday.  

my tummy's not feeling right today.  kinda painful.  boourns.  

sorry for the odd random post.  Just figured I'd share everything and nothing inside my head at this time...

OH! time to go to work...yes....working weekends SUCKS...oh wells....looks like it'll be busy today...RAIN!!! is it bad that i hope it's busy and not dead?:P  

i didn't think I left the house in disarray.  but what do i know?  

I pick my parents up from the airport at 7:33 am (I would have gotten there earlier if it weren't for a collision that took 30 mins just to travel a couple of KM).  They were pissed I was late.  I already left the house at 6:15.  I was gonna leave at 6:30, but I figured the rain might make things worse.  How was i supposed to know there was a truck accident that blocked 1.5 lanes on the highway this morning??  they didn't mention it though.  they just figured I was stuck in traffic.  if they bitched to me about that, i'd have told to just drive home and i'll find some other way to get home from the airport.  I was not ready to deal with that shit today.  It normally doesn't take me an hour and 15 mins to get to the airport...even with traffic, going to the airport normally only takes 40-50 minutes tops.

The first thing I ask was how was their trip.  They don't respond.  We get into the car, and the first thing they ask me is, "have you been looking for jobs."  seriously?  you don't ask me how i've been.  You don't ask me about what I've been doing, but instead, you ask if i've been looking for a job?  and then they go to follow up with, "how's the dog?"  yeah, i'm feeling pretty dejected.  I'm feeling REALLY REALLY resentful now.  I'm really REALLY angry.  then as an afterthought, mother goes, "i heard you got burnt making tea, how's it healing?"  at this point, i'm pretending to be in a good mood.  I've already started feeling really angry and upset that my parents just don't know how to talk at all.  

I'm actually afraid to tell them that I got a full time job as an assistant manager in the store I've been working at for a year.  No, I am not ashamed, I am actually fearful.  To me, I feel that getting the assisstant manger position/being offered the position was quite an accomplishment.  so, I'm genuinely proud of it.  the only thing i am ashamed about is the low pay and no benefits, but I'll manage.  I've pretty much told most of my friends of my little "accomplishment".  Sure, yeah, it's only 12/hr, no benefits, but I generally enjoy the work.  I like what I do.  at this point in my life, I think being happy is WAY more important.  why live a life where I'm dissatisfied with a big portion of my life?  just for money?  yeah, money may be important, but there are other ways to work around the lack of having it.  coming up with ways to save and work around a "lack" of money makes me ingenious in certain ways doesn't it?:D

Having lived on my own for 2 weeks, I really REALLY want to move out.  or perhaps it's a need for mental health issues.  I just can't deal with feeling inadequate in a house, where my own routines just can't work because i'm not fitting to their routines.  I know it sounds like a cop-out, but I'm 100 times more stressed when the parents are home.  I'm actually feeling really sad at this point.  could also be a trigger from the weather, but I just want to hermit in my room today and not leave unless it's to the bathroom.  

I always feel as if I have to live by their standards because the way I am is NOT good enough.  Maybe it's the traditional chinese parent thing, but I have NEVER been told that they were proud of me for ANYTHING.  never....ever have I been told that I made them proud.  And I guess that's why i just can't be around them.  they've never told me "good job, maybe do this next time."  instead, it's always been, "why did you do that?  you should have done this."  That's what my parents do.  without realizing it, they have always made me feel inadequate.  If I did everything they asked, it would still always be, why didn't you do that little bit extra?  There's just no winning.  and after living with it for so long, you'd think I'd get used to it.  But I can't.  I don't know how to cope with that.  

I thought I was keeping the rest of the house pretty clean already.  But then again, "cleanliness" is different to me because I guess I'm pretty much a slob.  the only "dirty" thing that annoys me is having dirty dishes.  generally i clean them all when I'm up to it, but I've been lazy.  I let them pile in the sink for a few days before cleaning it.  meh....at the very least, there were no dirty dishes and stuff in the sink when they came home.  whatever.  i'm generally in a horrible mood now.  I just want to scream at them and ask them why is it so important.  was the house REALLY all that messy?  

After all this, I still think that i'm a pretty well-adjusted person.  I just wish I were one of those people who could get along with my parents on the most part.  Thankfully I'm the type of person that remembers more happy things than I do disappointments.  Otherwise, I would be an ill-adjusted person with parental issues and even more self-esteem problems.  

My parents complain that I game too much.  ironically, I game a lot because I want to get out of my own head from getting angrier and more upset at myself and the parents.  BUT...it's a cycle that only leads to more disappointment and nagging/complains.      But knowing my parents, it wouldn't matter.  if I exercised more, they'd be like, why don't you help around the house.  When i help out around the house more, they'd be why aren't you doing this and that.  so really....there's just no winning.  

Don't they understand that eventually I'm gonna pull away and never come back if they keep doing this?  eventually the only familial tie i'll have left is with my sister.....

I have a big blister on my leg.  I recently burnt myself due to spilling a cup of tea.  Yes, it WAS a scalding cup of tea as I had JUST finished boiling the water.  Needless to say, the pain is quite surprising.  However, I feel as if it doesn't hurt as much as it should.  It's a second degree superficial burn.  It shouldn't be all that bad.  

I was told not to pop the blister.  As much as seeing the bubble makes me want to pop it, I know I shouldn't for many reasons.

Sure, most people say it'll heal faster if I just popped it.  The thing is

1) the chance of infection is much higher if you manually pop it
2) it is going to be more painful if you pop the blister (why?  because the blister is your body's way to tell you NOT to touch it.  It is your body's natural mechanism acting like a cotton pad or gauze)
3) the scarring would be much worse if you popped the blister because you would be agitating the already irritated burnt area.

So, due to all this, I WILL NOT pop the ugly blister even though the ointment leaks through my pants and makes washing a total hastle.  

generally, my blisters pop on their own.  at this point though, I think I'm waiting for the skin to reabsorb the stupid fluid....  I'm just afraid that it'll still be infected.  I'm pretty prone to getting infections over tiny little cuts....  all the cleaning and stuff.  boo...

There are a few questions on this topic.  Tears can be a general reaction to anything.  Pain, sadness, anger, frustration, joy, surprise, empathy.  

Have you ever seen someone cry on the bus, or on a park bench or anywhere public?  Did you ever have a feeling to run up to them and comfort them?  I don't know about you, but when I see someone crying, I feel like crying with them.  Even if it's a complete stranger, generally I'd just want to sit right next to them, pat them on the back or something.  But maybe because I'm a crazy woman.  When people cry, I just think that they might say they want to be alone, but the truth is...NO ONE really wants to be alone carrying all their burdens of sadness alone.  But as a stranger, people don't welcome random strangers to carry their load even if they are willing.  

But that's not really what raises most of my questions.  My main question is why is it that it is "shameful" to be emotional?  When did being able to express yourself become such an unwanted thing?  Sure, being able to conform to "emotional standards" would be fine and dandy, but when did the norm become one that means you could only express joy/happiness and frustration/anger?  Even now, being happy and angry have been limited.  There's just so many definitions on what's healthy these days.  

The other question that riddles my mind is this: When in history did being "emotional" deem you to have some psychiatric issue?  Honestly, why have humans tried to be so....um...what's the word i'm looking for?  oh right! When did humans try to be so un-human?  Yeah yeah, unhuman doesn't exist, but inhuman just doesn't seem to fit my need.  I just feel that we have gone beyond labeling what is "healthy" emotional behaviour and started to label everything "extreme".  Maybe that's just my understanding though.

I never understood why so many men I know are ashamed when they cry.  Heck, I know enough women who are ashamed when they cry.  Though I must say, most women are ashamed to cry because they don't want to look like a mess and seem "crazy".  Men though, don't want to cry because they think it makes them weak.  I just say this, crying makes us human.  What makes you cry might not be what makes someone else cry, but there's no need to be ashamed is there?  

Lots of people think that being strong means that we don't show emotions.  I don't know where that started.  But the thing is, to be strong, we must know ourselves.  THAT means we MUST know what makes us feel the way we do.  

So I guess.  My last question is WHY and WHEN has being strong become equated with showing no emotion?