We've been spoiled this winter.  The weather was very nice and warm all winter season long.  Now though, the wind is super cold.  The sun is out, but the wind makes it really cold.  There is a chance of flurries in the city.  seriously?  Winter in the end of April?  boourns to that.

I'm wearing 2 shirts, a sweater, a winterjacket and a scarf and i'm still shivering.  It probably doesn't help that the last thing i ate was a piece of cheesecake at 5 last night.  I didn't feel like eating anything.  but cheesecake? who could resist.  well needless to say, I felt soooo shitty yesterday that I slept at 7.  I should feel well rested i guess.  But I don't.  I just have a feeling of impending doom.  ergs.

has 5 years of happiness already faded? 

ergs...how did a post of the weather get back to that?  bleh.

oh...on a happy side note, the gym in my building will be done by may.  though from the looks of things, it might be finished alot sooner since it's a small workout facility.  No more excuses not to work out though.  heh. 

I feel like a reptile.  The cold snap has made me quite lethargic.  I just want to snuggle back in bed with mr. beaver. 

Baby, upon mr. beaver's neck is your symbollic heart. Do I still own your heart as you do mine? 

sigh.....I will NOT cry in school.....

I have to get this off my chest.  I think that's what I need to do or I can't fall back asleep.  When things like this happen, I always end up thinking that he's going to break up with me.  sigh.  Maybe this time he will.  sigh.  The worst part is that i think my main fault was waking him up early.  But, it's not like I didn't tell him the night before I was coming.  I told him I would take the early morning train to get to his place.  sigh.  When I asked if he needed to take a nap, he said he could manage so he got dressed and we got ready to go "shopping."  I thought everything would be better after he persuaded me to stay.  I should have just left then.  I've done it before so it wouldn't have hurt as much.  It would have still hurt, just not as it does now.  sigh.  

I don't even know where to begin to apologize because I don't think I did anything wrong other than waking him up.  I guess yesterday just wasn't my day and what seems to be his.  Even if he had to charge his phone, he could have taken the time to message me oh fb or msn to tell me he got home alright.  but i guess that even though he was mad at me, at least after his phone "got charged" I got a text at 7.  better than nothing.  sigh.  Since he was in a bad mood, I thought he might actually have got into an accident.....i guess I was stupid to worry- obviously he would have gotten home if he left tired and frustrated from my place at 4.  

I'm sorry for waking you up early.  Did you know that I could hardly sleep the night before because I was so eager to see him the next day?  Did you know I was really eager to send hiim texts on the train ride but managed to send only one really stupid one because I knew he was sleeping?  I was so excited.  Did you know that the 4 hours of sleep I had felt great and refreshing because I thought it would be worth it to see him?  I felt like it was a rare treat to have the bf volunteer his time for me to go shopping with me for summer clothes instead of doing something I knew he'd enjoy.  

Well, ironically, I guess he doesn't have to worry about me losing weight to the point that clothes don't fit anymore.  I'm sure to lose weight at this rate.  I can't eat and I can hardly sleep.  what great news....=.="

I'm sorry I took away a potential photo shoot day and instead, had a day end up to be a form of torture for you.

I'm sorry that my eagerness to see you meant that you had to wake up early.

I'm sorry that I was so excited to see you.

I'm sorry for being such a jerk......  

When you're ready to talk to me, please come find me.  I come home at 6:30 everyday.  Yes, I know the drive from work is a little far.  But this time I'm not giving in.  I'm not waiting by the computer to wait for a message via msn or e-mail.  I won't be the first person to engage you in a conversation.  I'm not gonna sit by the phone waiting for texts or phone calls.  I'm not gonna be the one to drive to your place to see you.  I'm being selfish- I don't want to just read or hear what you have to say to me.  I don't want to feel like I'm the only one invested in this relationship.  I want to know that you still want me.  I want to SEE you say what you have to say to me.  btw, if you plan to wait till the weekend, I'm working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday this weekend.  Hopefully I won't have to wait too long though.  My heart is going a mile a minute.  It can barely contain its despair.  Until you're ready, I'll await the day when I see you next.    *muah*  And after all this...I still love you lots.....

I've written this entry over and over.  I wrote, then deleted.  I wrote and then I deleted.  I've done it 5 times already.  But that's all I really have to say- it ALL went extremely WRONG!  What was supposed to be great day to make up for the dismal end to last night turned out to be a miserable one.  It's actually WAY worst than miserable.  bad, miserable days I can handle.  BUT a day like this?  Miserable, horrible, horrendous all these descriptors don't even come close to how this day feels for me.  I want him to talk to me.  But at the same time, I don't think i'd be up to talking to him.  I have no words for him atm.  anyways, I'm just gonna go lie down, hug a pillow and cry myself to sleep.  See you all with in the far brighter tomorrow later!

I'm just your average Jane.  All throughout my life, I've been wondering the same question.  From the time I went to school (so probably my earliest memories when I was 4) I could always remember asking, "what exactly makes me different?"  You're probably thinking that this is such a weird question to ask at a very young age.  You see, when I was younger, I just didn't seem to fit in- yes, i dressed differently, I ate different foods, and I could speak 3 languages fluently when I was younger.  But this wasn't what made me different.  IT seemed that the kids just never wanted to even get to know me.  I was an outcast.  As such, I gave up trying to fit in at an early age.  My independence was fueled by the need to survive alone.  anyways, My school was primarily Caucasian with probably less than 1% diversity- i could name exactly ALL The coloured students in the school.  So at a very young age, the answer to "what makes me different" was always skin.  Hence, this is why I take offense when people ask me, "where do you come from."  So honestly, the next time some stranger asks me this question, I will tell them I'm Canadian.  My parents are Canadian, does it matter where they came from?  

BUT, this is not an entry on racism and how it still exists today.  This is an entry about what makes me different, or rather, the journey to a question I still can't answer. 

Growing up in church, you see it EVERYWHERE.  Growing up in the church, You HEAR it said everywhere- everyone has a gift.  BUT to this day, I hardly know what a talent, a gift actually means.  I was always made to believe that it meant something you could do well without training.  And then with practice, you could be really good at it.  Unfortunately for me, I had never really excelled at anything.  To this day, I don't know what it is that I have a talent for.  I don't even think I have one.  

I've been blessed to live a somewhat sheltered life.  I've never really gone hungry.  I've never been told I CAN'T do something because I am a girl.  I've grown up believing that I can do anything as long as I put my mind to it.  But that's just the point I'm making.  Since I grew up in a house where anything can happen if you try hard enough, I've never been able to "see" gifts and talents like most people do.  I haven't been "gifted" with intelligence, the knack to listen to music and just replay it, or to draw.  

Although I will always continue asking, "what talent do I have?", it's also a question I answer all the time.  The truth is that I don't have one.  Sometimes it makes me feel down and upset, but most times, I just have a "meh" moment (times when I feel indifferent).  but my experiences are mine- and that's what makes me who I am.  The truth is, you don't need to be gifted and talented to get far in life.  And in fact, some of the people I see wasting their lives are people who ARE gifted.  They take things for granted- never apply themselves, never push themselves, never realized that beyond their talent lies greater potential (yes, I'm specifically talking about my bf's brother).  

So in truth, although a talent CAN take you far in life, you don't need one to go far.  You're special just the way you are.  NO ONE has the exact same experiences as you.  And as long as you CHOOSE to keep going, you're doing great at what you do best.  

*note* this somehow ended up being a pep-talk to myself....heh.  question out of curiosity: whatever happened to those chocolate mint biscuit things called pep?  I don't see them in Canada anymore. 

Perhaps I'm being cruel, but I just want to know. 

Would you marry a person you know you have no future with?  no, I'm not saying that you marry a jerk or an ass.  I'm asking whether you'd marry someone who is terminally ill.  You know you have no future with this person, so won't your vows be a lie?  or rather, won't your vows only last for a very short time?  Plus your vows would be a lie, you can't just love the person till their dying day, you WILL love them long after they're gone. 

I guess it depends.  how important is it to me that I get married?  Sure, I'd love the idea that someone loves me enough to marry me even though I would be dying soon.  But at the same time, what about someone else' mental trauma?  how do you mentally prepare someone to have such a happy moment only to be ripped from you a little down the road?  You marry the person going into this commitment knowing that it will end soon.  I guess it wouldn't really matter anyways though.  If someone truly loved you, regardless of health status, that person would love you till your dying day. 

Why do I write this?  An acquaintance of mine recently married her terminally ill husband who passed away yesterday.  recently married as in married last month.  Even looking at their pictures, reading about their bio (on fb by the way), I'm moved to tears.  But I just can't help wonder.  It's like that character in house where you find out her first marriage was to a sick man.  House asks if it was charity. 

At the same time, the realistic me is saying, who paid for this grand wedding?  even if it's a small wedding that's a few thousand dollars...who paid for all that?  but the point isn't the money for this wedding.  The wedding was prearranged, it was someone's dying wish. 

I just kinda see this dying wish as something a tad selfish.  You make vows to be happy together for the rest of your lives only to know that you can't really fulfil it- the rest of your life is really short.  I think it's cruel.  But of course marriage is based on 2 people's decision. 

I know this entry sounds like a slap in the face.  It's not that I knew the person very well.  But....my heart still goes out to her.  I just can't help thinking if I were in HER situation.  What would I have done?  Couldn't I be truly happy on my wedding day?  I don't know...

anyways....what are your thoughts?

Moving out on your own for the very first time must honestly SUCK.  The only exception seems to be if 1, you're moving out with someone else.  Or 2, you have a high ass paying job.  Or 3, you have no life so you don't spend any money on anything other than necessities.  

My parents bought be a condo when I was still going to Ryerson University.  Originally, it was to be completed in my 3rd year of university.  Then...it got delayed, it would be finished by my 4th year.  It got delayed again.  So now, in what would be my 6th year, it is finished.  I'd be able to move in in September if I so choose.  

But....and this is a BIG BUT (not my big BUTT), I'm not planning to move out with someone else, I don't have a high ass paying job yet, nor would I want a life where I can only spend on necessities.  But more so that it's just that I don't even really have a job yet.

As I was driving home today, I came to a funny realization.  I honestly like doing retail.  Unfortunately for me, retail does NOT pay the big bucks.  

You're probably wondering why retail is fun for me.  Perhaps it's because I've had many retail jobs and I feel like a veteran, but that's not really the case.  Each retail job has slightly different "qualifications".  Or more like just different job descriptions.  These are things that I hope I will remember for my next job interview because people always ask, "what did you learn from your last job."

You see, I've always known that I wanted to work with people.  I wanted to help people.  After social work program, I found out that I don't have what it takes to work in the capacity that I wanted to.  I can't work with people who can only complain and don't see how to help themselves.  I can't work with people who don't even value their own resilience, strength and effort to better their own lives.  Hence, social work in the capacity I originally thought would NOT work.  Then, I decided I still wanted to work with the same population I went to social work for.  Hence, I went into Teaching English as a Second Language.  After placement, I realized that I would not be good at teaching in a 20-30 person classroom.  I'm better suited at a private 1 on 1 or a 1 on 2 situation.  But I generally do not have the passion for teaching.

From retail, I've learnt that most customers don't bother me.  Most times, I can move from one customer to the next without being very phased- this is something I learnt from other people's observations of me.  The only exception is when they attack me personally and make me cry.  This has happened very infrequently.  why?  because unless they hit a sensitive spot, i'm pretty confident in who I am.  So....most times their words are just words uttered from a stupid person.  BUT, I believe this is partially due to my social work training.  You hear sooooo many bad stories about people's lives.  You also hear MANY people complain about you TO YOU...so after a while, you need to grow a thicker skin (I worked at a food bank for a while.  I heard lots of people calling me useless....but this was more because of the system.  the SYSTEM couldn't help them, but I was BLAMED....i got used to it...now, all i say is "MEH").  

From retail, I enjoy knowing my product. I like feeling the challenge of trying to meet the day's sale quota.  I like having different people come in every day but also having a few people you recognize say hi to you every so often.  I like feeling accomplished when I've met the day's sales goals while feeling a little sad that I didn't meet my sale projections.  However, I like not feeling too bad or worrying too much about the sales goals as I can always try harder the next time.  The best part is that I can go home and actually feel relaxed.

I don't want a job where I work 60+ hours a week.  I don't want a job where I don't ever feel relaxed.  I don't want a job where my entire day is filled with one days' work and then the next in every waking moment.  I want a job that is challenging, but not overly stimulating.  I want a job where I can feel I'm accomplishing something.  I want a job where I work with many different people, but can build a close relationship with a few.  

I NEED a job that starts at at least 40k AFTER deductions.  I NEED a job that has a decent benefits package.  I NEED a job that I enjoy.  I NEED a job.

time for bed...good morning folks

Happy 5 years to the bf and me.  heh.  When I tell people that I've been with the same man for 5 years, people always ask the same question.  I'm sure the question popped into your head too.  

BUT, I won't write an entry about that topic and make the bf run away...hahahaha.

So I'll write something that makes me smile every time

The short version is that the bf and I met through xanga.  The long version actually spans about 1.5 years on xanga before we met in person.  

5 years today on March 23rd 2007, it was the first day we ever met each other.  This was ALSO the date we decided to claim as the first day of our relationship.  For him and for me, we knew that we wanted to start a relationship with each other after that very first encounter.  I wanted an official date to claim, and he chose the first day we met.  So...to this day, March 23rd has been our anniversary.  

You see, at the time, I was a much skinnier me.  I'd get people asking for my number all the time.  But, I never gave out a real number and I never fancied any of these guys who would talk to me just because I looked a certain way.  I was sick of having people want me because of the way I looked.  Sure, some part of this relationship started with seeing pictures of me I'm sure, but it isn't just about looks.  To me, the idea of having someone read my thoughts and still show interest in me was exactly what I wanted.  I didn't want to just be the eye candy that had a brain, opinion and thoughts.  I wanted to be the person who was valued for opinions and thoughts first and eye candy second.  Plus, I always knew that looks would fade.  That's why I didn't want someone to date me just because I looked a certain way. 

Whether or not he read my posts as often as I posted them doesn't matter.  He did subscribe to my xanga for at least year and a bit before he ever asked for an email.  I had a xanga crush on him long before I even started dating him.  I remember one post of his where I was saying to myself, "why is he with her?  he should be with me!" (I don't think I've ever told him this)  Yeah I know, now look who's the online creeper (me ).  

And now, 5 years after the first day we met, we're still together! We've had 5 wonderful years.  And I hope to have many many more happy, wonderful, fantastic years together!

so, with no further ado....

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MR JMY!!!!!!

XOXOXOXOXO  

I'm doing whatever it takes to take my mind off things at the moment.  For the next couple of weeks, I'll be re-vamping my resume.  I'm thinking of randomly emailing places (since most people want emails, not faxes or phone calls these days) that don't have job openings, but at the organizations I want to work at.  Is that something I should or shouldn't do?  You see, at this moment, I don't know what I want to do with my life.  I'm at that point that I really don't care.  I just want to have a job.  It doesn't have to start a career or anything, it can even be minimum wage (the bf is probably frowning at me and thinking 'why the hell are you aiming so low').  I'll look for 2 minimum wage jobs or even 3 if I need to.  we'll see.  You see, it just has to be something I enjoy.  You're probably thinking, how the hell are you gonna live off minimum wage.  The truth is, no one really can.  BUT, if I can get my foot in the door, it's better than nothing no?  

Realistically, I don't have to be trained in college or university for a specific position.  I CAN learn on the job.  I WILL pick up new skills fast.  IE: I don't need a business administration degree to know certain things about an office-  ie: answering phone calls, writing memos, answering emails appropriately, keeping a schedule and yadee yada.  BUT, I CAN'T even apply to a secretarial or administrative assistant position because I don't have a business administration degree.  really?  Society seems stupid to me.  It demands that we pay thousands upon thousands of money for education that we don't need to be able to live and survive.  Sure education is important.  SURE, education does teach us new things and opens our minds to new perspectives, but to require a specific education for EVERY single thing just seems a little silly.  

I just want to live a happy life.  And for that to happen, I need a job that gets me at least 40k apparently.  ergs?  

"if you don't need alot of money, why is your visa bill so big every month?"

You see, I did the math.  It costs me 60 dollars to commute to school every week.  every 2 weeks it costs about 60 dollars (since I don't really drive that much) to fill up my tank of gas.  so....60 X6 is 360.  and the funny part is, my visa bill is always around 300.  But I'll still see if I can reduce this cost if I can....just to please the mother.  sigh.  

I mean, it's not like i really go buy lots of stuff.  The times when my visa bills are massive normally have to do with something car related.  The next thing to do for the car is change the muffler thingy...I CAN'T drive long distances with such a loud ass car.  I feel like i'm deaf when I finally get home.  

anyways.  I don't know what to do.  At this moment, I have no motivation for job searching because there's just nothing I feel like I'm qualified to do.  

I have a social work degree and a diploma for teaching English as a second language (TESL) in April.  After doing the TESL program, I can tell you straight up, I HATE TEACHING.  Nothing about ANYTHING in the teaching process is enjoyable to me.  I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT.  mind you, it's not because I get nervous talking in front of a class or anything either.  I just don't like it.  Surprisingly, talking to a class is less nerve racking for me.  I just need more practice I guess.  I can't even explain it to you.  I just DON'T like teaching a class.  I also can't take 24/7 complaining.  People don't see how resilient they are when they're faced with adversity.  So having worked at the food bank, I can tell you that most people just come in complaining and leave complaining regardless of what you say or do.  Of course, you do get smiles and thank yous ever so often, but most times, people don't leave changed because they're unwilling to see it differently- people want results right away.  I don't blame them either.  In a society where everything is fast paced, it seems that bureaucracy is the only thing that works at snail pace now.  

So, what was this entry supposed to be about?  Oh right, it wasn't really about anything to begin with.  just another ranty day.  

I'm not having a good day.  You can blame that on being a girl and hormones today.  Funny enough, I'm looking forward to going into work, just not the customers who will come in today.  hahaha.  

I love gifts.  Who doesn't?  But! not only do I like to get gifts from others, I love to buy gifts for others.  When I know what I want to buy for someone else, I end up becoming like a kid in a candy store.  one of my least favourite gifts are gift cards.  If you want to get me a gift card, I'd rather personally just have the cash.  IF you give me gift cards, unless it's a store I can't buy anything for anyone else, I'd normally end up spending it on others.  I guess it's worth it regardless.  I don't know.

The 23rd this month would be my 5 year anniversary with my bf.  This year, I bought the biggest gift I've ever spent money on.  Well it wasn't the biggest, just most expensive to date.  It kinda hurt my wallet, but meh.  He loves it, so it's worth it.  He'll get great use out of it I'm sure. He'll be looking at it every day anyways I'm certain.  No, it's not a mirror, that wouldn't have been a good gift.  But...this is a great gift for him.  

I bought him a monitor.  It was on sale  though, even if it weren't on sale, I'd still have bought it.  After extensive research on which computer monitor I wanted, I decided on this one as the best for the bf.  I bought him the Samsung SA950D.  I think that's the model.  I figured if he does get a 3D compatible graphics card, he could still use it.  Regardless, it's 2D capabilities are still pretty good.  one of the best real to life colours.  But I personally love samsung monitors...so i'm biased.

So, what kind of gifts are my favourite?  I don't have anything.  I like getting cute things.  At the moment, I love getting cute socks.  You're probably thinking, "cute socks? what's that?"  well, I like printed socks that have cute animals looking back at me.  hahahaha.  But, I like things that people buy that they buy for me that are useful and makes them think about me.  why?  Because I like hearing why they thought of me when they got it. 

I'm rambling at this point.  I'm getting tired.  What I want? I can't think of anything at the moment.  Anyways, time for bed....nite nite.

Did I tell you how bad my wednesday was?  I didn't did i?  now that i look back, it was all very funny though.  I woke up wednesday morning with chest pains.  I don't know if the chest pains were due to breathing funny or not being able to breath at night or just coughing in my sleep.  Regardless, the left side of my chest hurt as if i got punched a few hundred times.   

On this particular wednesday, I had 3 assignments due.  So I woke up early, took the first train out to school.  Got to school at 7.  bought breakfast for $3.50 (my favourite meal in the school btw....even though their eggs are NEVER consistent).  So by 7:30, I was on the computer printing off all my stuff in the library (the library opens at 7:30, so i that's why i bought breakfast.  The person sitting right beside me had the screen up to make MTG decks (I almost tapped him on the shoulder and asked what type of deck he was building).  The main printer wasn't working in the library.  So....I had to run to the downstairs printer that is ALOT slower, and also alot further from the computer i was sitting at.  But eventually, I got it all printed.  So....yay.  Although I was in a rush, I decided the extra time to print was no big deal.  I decided that as long as my assignments were printed, that's all that mattered.  

I realized that I needed to hand in my WSIB (work school insurance board- or something to that effect) form to the director/coordinator.  So, as I was walking from the library to the building of the program coordinator, I "sprained" my ankle.  It wasn't a bad sprain, just enough to have it throb for the rest of the day.  Elevated it while i slept and everything was fine the next day.  But DAMN! the instant I "sprained" it, it hurt like a crazy mofo.  That's when i started realizing I was having a really bad day.  The moment after i "sprained" it, the first thing out of my mouth was, "I REFUSE TO BE IN A BAD MOOD!"  You know how in movies people scream "why GOD why?" at the sky?  well I had THAT moment.  Except, instead of screaming 'why GOD why', i screamed, I REFUSE TO BE IN A BAD MOOD.  needless to say, people were all looking at me funny.  the guy who saw me sprain my ankle didn't stop to ask me if i was okay either.  but whatever.  

So guess what?  I had a bad day, but I was still smiling and had a great time by the end of it.  I came home early from school on wednesday to sleep though.  Since it took sooo much energy just to stay awake till 12 when class ended, I decided I'd just fall asleep in my next class anyways.  so, I went home.  Slept the ENTIRE way home on ALL the transit systems.  I barely woke up in time before the doors closed at st. george station for the transfer train.  

You see, normally, sleeping is my coping mechanism for making myself just feel better after a crummy day.  So although I spent ALOT of time sleeping that day, the moments where I was awake wasn't dampened by some negative experience.  Plus, I didn't sleep to make myself feel better from feeling crappy.  I was sleeping so I could physically feel as good as I was feeling emotionally.    

It made me realize the importance of positive thinking.  No, positive thinking isn't about having fantasies and unattainable dreams.  Being positive is to be in control of what you can while everything else unexpected happens to pass you at the same time.  The only thing I can control when I have a day where nothing goes my way is to change my outlook on what's not going my way.  Hence...being positive in my books.

I could have as easily been all grouchy and moody by the end of my day (also, having your parents come home only to yell at you for having dishes in the sink- while you are sleeping none the less doesn't help), but I wasn't all grouchy.  As easy as it is to have a bad day, it is just as easy to have a good one- only if you want one hard enough.  if you wear gloomy coloured shades, why are you surprised to have a gloomy day?  

now it's really time to sleep.  good afternoon and sweet dreaming to me