October 23, 2012

  • ...conversation skills...

    i didn't think I left the house in disarray.  but what do i know?  

    I pick my parents up from the airport at 7:33 am (I would have gotten there earlier if it weren't for a collision that took 30 mins just to travel a couple of KM).  They were pissed I was late.  I already left the house at 6:15.  I was gonna leave at 6:30, but I figured the rain might make things worse.  How was i supposed to know there was a truck accident that blocked 1.5 lanes on the highway this morning??  they didn't mention it though.  they just figured I was stuck in traffic.  if they bitched to me about that, i'd have told to just drive home and i'll find some other way to get home from the airport.  I was not ready to deal with that shit today.  It normally doesn't take me an hour and 15 mins to get to the airport...even with traffic, going to the airport normally only takes 40-50 minutes tops.

    The first thing I ask was how was their trip.  They don't respond.  We get into the car, and the first thing they ask me is, "have you been looking for jobs."  seriously?  you don't ask me how i've been.  You don't ask me about what I've been doing, but instead, you ask if i've been looking for a job?  and then they go to follow up with, "how's the dog?"  yeah, i'm feeling pretty dejected.  I'm feeling REALLY REALLY resentful now.  I'm really REALLY angry.  then as an afterthought, mother goes, "i heard you got burnt making tea, how's it healing?"  at this point, i'm pretending to be in a good mood.  I've already started feeling really angry and upset that my parents just don't know how to talk at all.  

    I'm actually afraid to tell them that I got a full time job as an assistant manager in the store I've been working at for a year.  No, I am not ashamed, I am actually fearful.  To me, I feel that getting the assisstant manger position/being offered the position was quite an accomplishment.  so, I'm genuinely proud of it.  the only thing i am ashamed about is the low pay and no benefits, but I'll manage.  I've pretty much told most of my friends of my little "accomplishment".  Sure, yeah, it's only 12/hr, no benefits, but I generally enjoy the work.  I like what I do.  at this point in my life, I think being happy is WAY more important.  why live a life where I'm dissatisfied with a big portion of my life?  just for money?  yeah, money may be important, but there are other ways to work around the lack of having it.  coming up with ways to save and work around a "lack" of money makes me ingenious in certain ways doesn't it?:D

    Having lived on my own for 2 weeks, I really REALLY want to move out.  or perhaps it's a need for mental health issues.  I just can't deal with feeling inadequate in a house, where my own routines just can't work because i'm not fitting to their routines.  I know it sounds like a cop-out, but I'm 100 times more stressed when the parents are home.  I'm actually feeling really sad at this point.  could also be a trigger from the weather, but I just want to hermit in my room today and not leave unless it's to the bathroom.  

    I always feel as if I have to live by their standards because the way I am is NOT good enough.  Maybe it's the traditional chinese parent thing, but I have NEVER been told that they were proud of me for ANYTHING.  never....ever have I been told that I made them proud.  And I guess that's why i just can't be around them.  they've never told me "good job, maybe do this next time."  instead, it's always been, "why did you do that?  you should have done this."  That's what my parents do.  without realizing it, they have always made me feel inadequate.  If I did everything they asked, it would still always be, why didn't you do that little bit extra?  There's just no winning.  and after living with it for so long, you'd think I'd get used to it.  But I can't.  I don't know how to cope with that.  

    I thought I was keeping the rest of the house pretty clean already.  But then again, "cleanliness" is different to me because I guess I'm pretty much a slob.  the only "dirty" thing that annoys me is having dirty dishes.  generally i clean them all when I'm up to it, but I've been lazy.  I let them pile in the sink for a few days before cleaning it.  meh....at the very least, there were no dirty dishes and stuff in the sink when they came home.  whatever.  i'm generally in a horrible mood now.  I just want to scream at them and ask them why is it so important.  was the house REALLY all that messy?  

    After all this, I still think that i'm a pretty well-adjusted person.  I just wish I were one of those people who could get along with my parents on the most part.  Thankfully I'm the type of person that remembers more happy things than I do disappointments.  Otherwise, I would be an ill-adjusted person with parental issues and even more self-esteem problems.  

    My parents complain that I game too much.  ironically, I game a lot because I want to get out of my own head from getting angrier and more upset at myself and the parents.  BUT...it's a cycle that only leads to more disappointment and nagging/complains.      But knowing my parents, it wouldn't matter.  if I exercised more, they'd be like, why don't you help around the house.  When i help out around the house more, they'd be why aren't you doing this and that.  so really....there's just no winning.  

    Don't they understand that eventually I'm gonna pull away and never come back if they keep doing this?  eventually the only familial tie i'll have left is with my sister.....