I must REALLY suck at writing my resume and cover letters.  Or worse yet, I SUCK at interviews.  I've gotten 3 phone interviews and 1 actual in-person interview.  I'm trying to think that I don't suck and in fact, there were just people who were more qualified for the position.  Either way, it SUCKS for me.  BUT...i'm not giving up hope yet. 

"you should go to some job agency."

There's just something about this that is VERY unappealing to me.  It's like admitting that I can't do it alone.  Finding and going to a credible job agency might not be a bad thing as they're recommending you for places and you just have to do your part to be presentable and everything.  BUT for me, it's saying to me that I'm not good enough.  It's a pride thing.  I'll go in July when I'm getting a tad more desperate.  I'm not going till I've given it 3 months of earnest job searching.  Sigh.  

I HATE the fact that my parents like to inflict pain on themselves as they are planning to move once again.  seriously, FML! I can't wait to move the hell out!.

Ideally, I'd like to work with immigrants.  I hated teaching because it was teaching.  However, I LOVED the people I was teaching.  Eventually they warm up to you and you get to know a little about their lives.  I don't know, would it be the same if I worked in mental health, addictions or other programs?  I guess it's because I know EXACTLY what population I want to work with now and I don't want to settle for something I can do, but won't love.  either way though I'll be working with immigrants regardless.  There's no population of people that don't intersect in needs....

sigh...trying to stay positive, but today, i'm feeling ubber glum.  AND I really want someplace to go by myself where I don't have to take the dog with me when people come see the house....truly annoyed at my parents.  

I absolutely hate this weather.  BUT the weather makes so little difference to me anyways.  Since I'm still just job searching, I haven't been going out very much other than working on the weekends anyways.  

I've decided not to go to the birthday party on saturday.  Partially because I know I won't be in the mood to celebrate.  

Now, more than ever, I just wanna curl up in my bed and sleep all day long.  sigh...

will rot your sense of being.  IF you want to live a happy life, learn to live without EVER doing this between you and other people.  When you compare tragedies between people, what are you really comparing?  when you compare what people have and you don't, what are you comparing?  

You are NOT the other person.  Their choices in life were NOT the choices you were given.  of course, some of the opportunities could have been yours if you were there at the right place and right time and made all the same decisions, but alas, I'm back to my original point.  YOU did not make those SAME exact choices.  YOUR life has not been the same as the other persons.  how do you expect to live your life to the fullest when all you want is what someone else has?  THEN, wouldn't that be trying to live someone else's life and not your own?

stop the comparing and stop the complaints. if it really bothers you that someone has something you really want that you don't have, go do something about it.  don't just sit back and wish it....go and get it for yourself.

My body's trying to tell me that I'm old.  really body?  i'm 25....seriously?  anyways, I won't be staying up/trying to stay up anymore.  It's bad for my health.  I'll be sleeping at 11 on the dot now and wake up at 6 or 7.  Why?  because my body isn't accustomed to staying up late for the odd chance of talking to the bf.  I am attributing the fact that I'm sick to germs in the building (cause i've heard SEVERAL people on my floor alone being sick), BUT also to the fact that I've been trying to stay up later just to try to talk to the bf.  NOT going to be doing that at all anymore.  not even going to try.  

The lack of text messages and the lack of any sort of communication is bothering me to no end.  I'm annoyed.  But we'll have some sort of discussion about that later hopefully.  

I'm sick.  I'm feeling pretty okay, but I've lost my voice.  At the moment, I'm trying to decide if it's worth going into work or not with this lack of voice and all.  Actually, i woke up at 5:30.  I've got a pounding headache from waking up early and blowing my nose every so often.  BUT other than that, I'm feeling fine.  If I could only sleep when I needed to.  I haven't taken a nap since I got sick.  Partially due to the fact that I can't because we're trying to sell the damn condo.  I almost bitched at my parents when they said, "you need more sleep."  Honestly, I've tried.  Every time i've tried to fall asleep, the moment my memory goes black, the damn phone rings to warn me that there's a showing for your condo 1.5 hours later.  HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SLEEP IN A HOUSE THAT MY EXISTENCE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE EVIDENT?!?!?!?!?!  F*** this!

anyways, i initially wasn't tired at all.  BUT after this post, i'm pooped.  I'll be up again at 9 to go to the doctor today.  The cold not only spread upward, it's spreading to my lungs.  I can feel it making my chest feel heavy.  BUT even with that, I'm feeling pretty good actually.  Is that weird?  

I have never had troubles sleeping.  Be it sick or healthy, sleep normally comes easily to me.  However, last night was NOT the case.  I meant to go to bed at 10:30 because I was exhausted.  To my amazement though, I could not go to bed till well past 1:30.  why?  because I couldn't get warm, or rather, I couldn't get comfortable.  I had the chills because I was running a temperature.  I'd be sweating buckets, but I'd be feeling super cold.  Today, I'm just generally feeling hot and sweating buckets.  heh.  

Is this the flu?  I was certain I got my flu shot this year.  mmmmm.  Whatever the case may be, my body is achey all over now and I'm alert but not at the same time.  took a nasal decongestant in the form of a tylenol cold and sinus pill.  also, took more echinacea.  If this continues, I'll have to go to the doctor.  You see, it's not that I'm afraid to go to the doctors.  IT's more that I don't want to trouble a doctor with a simple cold.  beh.  

anywhoo.....off to do more job searching:P

I rarely make these.  Why?  because I know that promises are normally broken.  Rather, I expect promises to be broken so that I will never be disappointed.  However, when it's a promise I make and I may or may not keep it, I still feel shamed either way.  

I generally tend not to make them.  BUT...i did make one recently.  Though it wasn't really a promise, more like a time line.  I intend to keep it.  I will HOPEFULLY be able to do laps around a track on my rollerblades in 2 weeks.  first though, i must practice more earnestly.....because i'm afraid of being in them, it takes even more effort than going down to the gym downstairs to go for a run.  aiyeee....

anyways, off to walk the dog and then go rollerblading.  after that, I'll ahve to find something to eat....darn house.  NOTHING to eat...

sometimes i wish i learnt to read another language.  For me, learning to speak another language has always proven difficult, however, learning to read another language has always been fun and engaging for me.  I guess I am what you call a book worm.  anything found in books is worth at least taking a peek at.  But that's just me.

If I were on my death bed and my only dream were to meet a certain celebrity, how many would come?  How many "make a wish" from sickly children wish to meet their personal idols/stars?

Sometimes I wish I could just get to know celebrities as people instead of the icons that media portrays.  How many celebs would you find have a great heart, a great personality.  how many celebs would you find would be all high and mighty?  how many celebs are true to their in movie personas?  these are the types of things i'd like to know.  but alas, i don't run in that kind of circle, i'd never get the chance to find out.  hahahah.

oh.  back on topic.  what sparked this entry titled translation?  why do i say i wish i could read other languages?  well, the truth is that I'd LOVE to translate pieces of writing into more engaging pieces.  I disliike works of translation.  for example, i was am reading a translated piece called Journey to the west.  If you know anything about this sort of storyline, you know that there are many.   you will know the fascinating tales that this story holds.  but sadly, because I can't read the original Chinese texts, I have to settle for a boring, mediocre translated version.  Actually, the version i have is an EXCELLENT work of translation, just a horrible HORRIBLE piece of fiction.  But maybe my standards are too high.

I wish I were more artistic.  I find myself wanting to draw the storyline as I read the translated work.  

But, that's just the problem....not my inability to draw, but my inability to read a different language.  If i could learn to read a different language and translated it to be better, it would be perfect.  mmmm....maybe in my down time with unemployment, i will learn a new language?  hahahaha.  let's just see....weee

anyways.....off to have breakfast with the naggy sister....i mean....my one and only favourite sister:P hehehehe...

yesterday wasn't a very great day for me.  I went for a job interview for a job I was pretty sure I'd turn down.  Sales, marketing and leadership position......title sounds great doesn't it?  though i'm pretty sure that I would NOT fit in a business model like that.  firstly, why does a position like that hire someone with NO prior business experience?  it's not like i'm the company's child or something, so why?  2, being affronted and surprised does not give you the right to be rude and hostile to me.  least of all, being told my social work education has very little real world application kinda makes me dislike the organization ever more.  "you should go take some business courses because business will take you far."  um.....okay.....

but on my way home, this really made me think of something.  i was wondering why there is this dualism in the thinking of social service vs business model.  are they really that incompatible that each one has very little to say about each other?  or perhaps, the issue that i'm facing is that i'm only meeting business people or community workers that have nothing good to say about each other.  but why is there disconnect between the 2?  neither work model is better than the other am i correct?  or maybe i'm just idealistic.  i don't believe that anything is better than something else, just that there are differences in good and bad ways.  meh.  yes, i guess that does make me an idealist.

Why does everyone tell me that i'd be bored doing a desk job?  sure, i'm trained as a social worker, but who are you to tell me what i will and will not enjoy?  I honestly don't appreciate it.  just because you think something isn't the right fit, doesn't mean that it isn't...please let me be the judge of me and my life....

also, i am NOT low-balling.  everyone sees me as aiming low in my life.  honestly, the reason why i want an office job to organizations isn't so that i'd be stuck in that job.  it's because i want to see how the organization is run so I will feel more prepared to go into those positions i really want at that organization.  I know i have potential because i have goals and ambitions.  don't tell me what i'm doing, because i'm pretty sure when it comes to certain things, i know more about my life than you.  I fully intend on moving away from business administration/receptionist, but I just don't feel prepared to be a social worker (at this point, social service worker considering i'm not a registered social worker).  this is why i don't intend to work in the for-profit sector at the moment.  though of course, if i could get a job at this moment, be it in the for-profit sector, i'd be fine.  

I'm just wondering, why does it feel like i'm only meeting jerky business people who clash with my ideals as a social worker?  i'm certain that business and social work doesn't necessarily mean oil and water, but why does it feel like that?  bleh.....

on a side note, while i was going to the interview i knew i'd decline, i sprained my ankle.  that is the lowest point of my day and....it totally ruined the rest of my day.  as i planned to rollerblade and go for a run after the interview, not being able to do so really made me angry.....

anyways.....hope today'll be a better day.  gotta fix up my resume again.  more stuff to hand out.

When I say I don't regret, it's not a lie.  I truly don't regret.  why?  because life's not worth dwelling on all the stupid things you did in the past that you can't change.  When I say I don't regret, it's not me saying that there aren't things in my past I wouldn't want to do differently.  In hindsight, there are MANY things to do differently.  Simply, it's just me saying that I know I've screwed up, but I refuse to dwell on it.  It means that if there is something that nags me that much that I can't move on, I'd DO something about it.  if my past sucks, I'll make my future better.  I WILL MOVE ON from my mistakes.  I live with my mistakes as I bear all the other good choices in my life.  If I say I regret, it's like saying that all the good choices I made don't matter either.  And I am just NOT that type of person.  Does this help you understand the person I am?  heh.  I don't know.

To put things in simple English, I just don't like people that take back their choices/words/actions.  This is why it bothers me when people say or do really stupid things only to "apologize" or say, "i'm joking" because other people got offended.  you either man up to what you've said/done and only apologize if you truly felt you did wrong or just DON'T say or do the stupid things in the first place.  In my books, apologizing or saying "i'm joking", while not truly apologetic or that you're actually speaking your mind only makes you a true dumbass.  I have no room in my life and have very little respect for dumbasses....this is why I'm unashamed to say I don't like certain people. 

Anyways, back on topic, I don't appreciate people who make choices but don't/can't stick with them.  you either choose to be committed to one choice or make the commitment not to be tied down to only one way of doing something.  

You can think things through so you don't say stupid things you'll change your mind on later, or even if it bothers you, live with your decision.  You give people hope only to have it ripped from them.  I don't like the situation you've put me in.  whatever.   

If you didn't think your words or actions through properly, it's not my fault- it's yours.  But to screw up my life because of your regrets is STUPID.  to live my life according to you just to please you does NOT please me.  now, I'm just saying this because I'm a tad angry.  the obvious solution to my problem is to 1, find an actual job fast.  and 2, move out myself in a place that has no affiliations with you....  

Having parents who can provide for you and me still complaining is such a 1st world problem...i know i know...

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"I'm thinking about your reputation."

excuse me, if i don't care, why should you?  are you saying it because you're afraid of YOUR reputation going down the drain because you allowed your daughter to live with her bf?  

"we are christian.  we just can't."

then what made you say we could in the first place?  honestly...why say it in the first place then?    

"you should just register first."

no, i will not get engaged, or get married.  And I especially won't sign a marriage licence just to live together.  i've been through this already.  do you know how stupid you sound for even asking this?

1, the title of "married" and "marriage" aren't important to me.  in fact, telling the world that i'm "married" means absolutely NOTHING to me.  just because it's important to everyone else, doesn't mean it'll mean more than diddly squat to me.  In my eyes, being married doesn't mean 2 people suddenly work perfectly well together.... on a side note, because being married means little to me, I COULD get married in a court house and it wouldn't really bother me.  I just have to be given some prep time so I can buy a pretty dress  you see, the word marriage is nothing- it's the same with LOVE meaning so little these days.  being married is nothing....it's the COMMITMENT of spending my life with someone else that is important.  To me, I already have that commitment even if I Haven't signed any papers.  And sure THAT may put pressure on the bf, BUT...meh, I'm not going to hide or lie just because it inconveniences him.  

2, don't you know your daughter yet?  if I HAVE to do something, I ain't gonna listen to you.  I'm gonna specifically go out of my way to do it my way ....so.... just you watch the "mistakes" i'll make and how you'll feel ashamed of how i'm living MY LIFE.  honestly, I'm a 25 year old living at home, If i had financial independence, i'd have already left YEARS ago

3, If marriage is just as easy as signing a paper (as you've already told me to do) then it's  fake, a facade.  this "marriage" is just for show to the rest of the world that we aren't living in sin.  seriously...think through your words CAREFULLY!  I have always been the person to live my life MY way while trying to compromise. I will NOT get married for the rest of the world- give up on that notion right now lest I move out right after I find a job and make it on my own WITHOUT very much contact with you.  

4, how much do I have to stress this fact?  even if we are committed to each other, we're not ready to get married....well, for me, it's only a title where the rest of world views it special.  even the law gives you privileges but meh.  even after getting married, if you don't consciously make an effort to live together and work things out, then it's not gonna work anyways.  but even if I don't care if I got married today, tomorrow, or when I'm 30, the fact is that the significant other, like me, would not marry just because someone else told us to.  

"It's not like you can't find another person in your life.  you're a pretty girl."

um...is THAT what your afraid of?  That I'd be an old maiden?  That i'd be shamed and that the rest of the world would look down on me?  honestly? just because you have someone in your life you call your significant other doesn't mean you won't have times of loneliness either.  Sometimes you really ought to think your words through carefully.  Don't say whatever is on the top of your mind.  

Now, I'm going to stop before I get even more ranty.  I'm just going to say that I'm not participating in the upcoming sit-down talk with the bf.  I can't or I'll get super red in the face and turn into she-hulk.

"why don't you look for a full-time retail job as you're job searching?"
the answer: If i have a full-time job, I know I will stop looking for a better one for at least 6 months.  so....in essence, it's partially laziness that I don't look for a full-time retail position.  BUT...i also plan to move downtown in November, so if i must get a retail position, i'd rather get it downtown.....bleh.  it totally isn't my first choice atm.

But i guess the income would be nice.  Sigh.  the jobs posted everywhere just SUCK.  I get phone interviews every so often, only to have them tell me, "but you're so qualified. you wouldn't want to stay here."  omg....seriously people?  DON'T tell me what i want and wouldn't want to do.  seriously.....1) i'm more interested in the experience.  2) i'm interested in the company or I wouldn't have applied.  I think it's cause companies would feel bad for paying me min wage or something so they'd move on to someone who would be willing to take min wage.  

dang....the worst part....LOTS of jobs are back in the region i currently live in.  Stupid Toronto and cutting services....I don't like the federal conservative party nor dalton mcginty.  I can't wait to see a sea of orange reign over Canada...muhahaha!