the series isn't the same without Gil.  but it's not the actors for the reason why I used to like it.  every so often, they had episodes about people who were "different".  they had episodes about little people, the autistic, the deaf and mute and people of colour.  it's their way to address discrimination.  Gil used to make all these interesting comments to make you rethink the idea of "people".  

heh.  wonder if this makes people more proficient in crimes.  

lately, i've been noticing more tv-screen writers taking a stance on gay-marriage.  heh.  it's always a nice surprise to see your fave tv shows talk about issues that are important to a large population.  mmmmm

anywhoo...time to find something to make for lunch for work.

The bf and I started a couple's blog.  It's about answering questions from a book called 101 questions to ask before getting engaged.  

OH! but before I start, let me share some news.  Today, I bought a new used car (new car to me, but it's been driven before- so it's used).  So the car that I was complaining about was COMPLETELY rusted through. it costed at least 1k to fix what the mechanic could see, but  he was afraid to start working on the car because he KNEW that if he removed the parts that needed to fix, he'd find OTHER things he'd have to replace with it.  So instead, he suggested it was time to look for a new car.  So....I've got a new used car.  A Honda Civic.  Yes, how asian of me to drive such a car.  BUT, the other option I had was a Toyota Corolla.....seriously?  If given the choice, I ain't gonna drive a corolla.  Plain and simple, it might drive and maneuver well, but it ain't got the style/ look.  At the moment, it's just too "family" looking of a car for me.  Though, I did drive a piece of decaying metal for about a year.  hahahaha.  oh well.  

Anyways, back to the reason for the post.

The first question was about vulnerability.  You know, it's probably easier for me to be open and vulnerable on Xanga or any other of my blogs.  Perhaps it's because the premise of these blogs is because it's my mind sludge.  Of course it's semi-decently written mind sludge, but still.  I don't always filter what I write on these things.  If I feel crappy in the moment, I'll write about it.  If I'm having a super fantastic moment, I'd write about it.  

I'm always afraid that my open and honest vulnerability can hurt others.  So instead, I'd rather accommodate my thinking to make room for whatever it is I'm feeling.   I try to find a way to turn something bad into a happy thing.  It's not that I'm not open, I just don't like to explain why I'm thinking unless I'm poked and prodded.  However, I'm the type of person who likes to know what you're thinking when I can't guess what you're thinking.  I am the type of person who would share my feelings if you share yours.  Though of course, with some people, you get to know what I'm feeling LONG before you even ask.  However, if I can't seem to find a way to fit it into my thinking and I do blow up, it's important to acknowledge the feelings.  it's important to affirm my feelings, to not condemn my feelings, but to steer me to healthier thinking if the feelings and thoughts are unhealthy and non-beneficial.  

what makes you vulnerable?

When i'm put in a situation where I feel incompetent, I am at a vulnerable state.  I don't need to be vulnerable to be open.  In fact, for me to be open and share my thoughts, it's almost always better that I don't feel vulnerable.  Make me feel safe as if I won't be judged and I'll be open.  

When I'm feeling incompetent it's not always about making me feel as if I am the greatest or that i can in fact do whatever it is. When i'm feeling incompetent, it's just about respecting my illogical ideas of myself and helping me move past my stupidity without saying or making me feel stupid.  

mmmm, time for bed...getting sleepies...hehe

I really don't know where I should go from here.  I have a Bachelor of Social work and graduated with Honours from my Teaching English as a Second Language program.  Sadly, there are no social work jobs at the moment that I'd wish to apply for.  My specialty is in immigration.  Unfortunately, the market for immigration in Canada, specifically Ontario, has become minimalistic at best.  Or maybe I just don't know the right people.  The developing areas in both fields I studied are all jobs I do not have any experience for.  Well let's not say any, I just don't have the most important aspect they're looking for- time spent doing a specific job role.  For instance, an English assessor position requires teaching experience.  I do not have such credentials.  It looks like I may have to register for my TESL creditials with the certified board because I might still pursue teaching in this field still.  I'll need further guidance from friends and family on this matter.  

It's never a waste of money to go for education.  You will always learn new skills for opportunities that were not present before.  Unfortunately, I have not been given the chance to apply skills to any positions.  

The worst part?  I could stick in retail for a LONG time of my life.  why?  because I don't care when people bitch at me because I don't have the products their looking for.  Do you think that I'll be able to go back to school for business management?  Sadly, I don't even know which direction I want to take for education too.  ain't it sad?  sigh.  

I'll need a heart to heart convo with the significant other first.  Why?  Because if I talk to my parents, they won't ever listen to my needs.  They are always looking for what's best for me without realizing what's best really isn't the best for me.  Ie: making me go to a university I didn't choose because it had the cheapest tuition.  First year in that university was living hell for me.  I lost over 20 pounds in the very first week because I had no appetite and was severely depressed.  But that's a story for another time.

For no, I'm constantly on the Job search.  I have a part time job that fills my time for now, but I will want something more soon.  I'm just not ready to go back to school just yet.  sigh.  

I realized that i haven't made french toast in a while.  I was going to go make them, but then i realized that it is hostile territory in my bf's place.  EVERYTHING is marked.  There isn't anything that i can make without intruding on what is property of someone else.  

Personally, I find this kind of style rude.  You are not housemates, you are a family.  Marking EVERYTHING in the fridge is basically saying nothing can be trusted.  I can understand how you mark a few things, but to mark everything?  if that's the case, move the hell out.  if you treat your family like housemates, then we are nothing but housemates and strangers.  you are treating your house as nothing BUT a hotel.  seriously?  wtf?  i am not passing judgement, but if i ever start a family, this is NOT how I want my family to look.  

seriously.  geez

as much as I want to love my bf's family, sometimes I feel that it is hard.  There are good traits in each and every single person, but that's just it.  They are ALL individuals, not a family unit.  Yes, my family is dysfunctional, but when you look at us, we are family, not individuals who don't care for each other.  Or perhaps, the amount of caring is just soooo different than the way i was raised up.  

We don't mark things in our fridge.  It is implicit that certain foods are for certain people.  However, if there is a mystery, you TELL other people you can eat it, or that you really want it so don't eat it.  

I'm sorry, but I just can't help but compare.  

Isn't it sad that the only good memories you have about your own siblings is of when you were all young?  Doesn't that tell you that something's wrong?  

for people who are so individualistically inclined, I am PERSONALLY NOT inclined to help them even when they ask of my help.  But that's unchristianly I know....meh....

anyways, bf is home for lunch....time to fend for ourselves for food....fun....

I never realized how varied my music was until I started trying to sort my music for a work playlist.  As I was telling my boyfriend, even though my playlist may not be kid-friendly, I think I have great taste in music.  If you listened to it, you'd see my inner nerd though.  I actually have the super mario theme song on it! AND I know it's a tad illegal, but also some disney songs like kiss the girl from little mermaid.  

I have classical string music, jazz, blues, rock, alternative, pop, and r&b.  

i always think that every little thing one chooses in life determines who you are.  So I guess my music defines me too.  heh

but I haven't listened to music on my ipod in ages.  Like fine wine though, the music on my playlist ages well with time if kept properly i guess.  heh.  

I don't think my boss will like my music.  sigh....heh

perhaps it's because i don't really know the person, but at the same time, I don't really want the position that i'm being offered.  the person wants to meet up, but i clearly told her I wouldn't be available in the afternoon the day before and that was why we agreed to 7p.m.  it's NOT my fault that she cancelled.  

Add on top of that, there still ISN'T a job description.  where and how the hell am i going to add online experience now?  I don't know shit about marketing.  my parents want me to get this job, but I DON'T.  there is no such thing as a free lunch.  but I'm pretty certain i'm not gonna even like this job if i get it.  other than coding for a website, what does internet experience mean?  that i have a twitter or facebook account? that i know how to use google?  um....sorry, but I really don't know what it means.  how come you don't understand?  

"it's like online marketing."  um...what's online marketing?  the LAYOUT of a website? how it's arranged, how it looks?  WHAT is it?  seriously.  I can't write that I have something on my resume if I don't know what you're asking for. ergs....totally frustrated.  

I don't care if I live in boxes.  Honestly, I'm accustomed at this point.  I don't care that I unpack less and less and have more in storage these days.  What I do care about is the fact that I've moved 8-10 times in the past 5 years.  I'm am very annoyed.  I'm not planning to leave the house for the viewing.  

I HATE my parents for making me go through this shit over and over again.  I hate living in a sterile house where I can't do anything.  I Can't touch anything.  I can't cook anything.  Totally annoyed and frustrated.  stop house flipping this way....jeeze.  this is NOT how people house flip.  there'll be a day when daddy hurts his back again and won't EVER be able to move again....so honestly, why are you putting yourselves through all this shit yet again?  

I've lost track how many times I've moved.  Sure it's easy to move if I had fewer things, but then why move in altogether?  ergs.  We have appointments from 1-2, 8:30-9:15 and tomorrow at 12:30-1:30.  I'm not leaving the house for any of those.  I'm pissed.  The worst part is that our agent hasn't taken our house off the market even though we've sold it.  seriously?  We have a conditional offer that yes, can fall through, but at the same time, means that your house is legally binded to the purchaser for the time being.  

The only words I have is FUCK OFF! but that's probably because I've been playing telephone tag with the person who's trying to get me a job.  and it doesn't help that I don't know when she'll call me.  fracking hell....i hate waiting for phone calls...i HATE phone calls too.  whatever....

How far are you willing to relocate to your new job?  If my ideal job were a full time position and not a contract position, I'd move out almost anywhere in Canada.  I guess for me, Ontario is safe, But so is the rest of Canada.  And sure, I understand that the culture in each province is slightly different (even without cities it's different), but who's to say I can't adapt? 

There are more and more interesting jobs further away from the city of Toronto.  As I apply for jobs, I feel that I do have an anchor to the amount I'm willing to travel or where I want to relocate.  For instance, There's a job opening at an agency I was placed at before.  I know I would qualify for that position as I've done most of those responsibilities before.  Unfortunately, the position is at it's Ottawa location.  What am I supposed to do?  Do I even apply?  The answer is yes, I'll still apply.  Who's to say I even get an interview?  But what if I get the job?  that's the issue.  Sure Ottawa's only a few hours away, but it'll still suck.  Worse still is that it's not a permanent position.  

anywhoo....that's the question.  How far are you willing to travel, or relocate from your current safe zone?

I have it on my back.  hahaha.  I got burnt because I totally forgot to put sunscreen on my back (I thought my shirt covered that area), and there's this big white x inside a somewhat red circular space.  hahaha.  the result- I have the symbol of the x-men on my back.  hehehe

Reached lvl 60 on d3 with my wiz.  gotta save up to buy better lvl 60 gear.  heh.  Maybe buy some set pieces to get that achievement.  I'm not really big on achievements, but if it's something money can buy, why not?  I thought my monk would get to lvl 60 first, but somehow I just keep dying.  Even with the best weapons at that lvl and okay gear, I can't stop dying.  Almost too frustrating to continue.  But perhaps it's because I always create character builds that are meant to be played with others.  I don't create solo characters.  THAT's why playing solo is ENTIRELY boring for me.  I'm just thinking that this is slightly sad because this is as much of my social life.  Just a few quick questions, how much do you get to know about the people you game with?  Do you feel like you get closer? do you feel like you get to know them more?  Do you get annoyed at their annoying little gaming ticks like laughing at everything?  

Going to work today.  It's going to be a hectic day because we're having a 50% off sale.  oh well.  nothing I can do about that.  I need a real job soon.  But isn't it worth noting that even though retail is not what I trained for, I'm still working in it for the moneys?  Albeit, not very much, but still something?  Still making more than some people I know.....

Super tired today for some reason.

I get more done during days I don't take naps.  BUT, that's probably due to sleeping for 2 hours at a time when I take a nap.  some reason, I can't seem to wake up after only 30-40 minutes.  I try to stay away from napping unless I have massive headaches.  sometimes the feeling for the need to nap does cause this headachy feeling though.  So far, I've only had 2 naps this week.  a BIG improvement:D

Hopefully I'm not tooo tired to drive to the bf's place.  Will have to find a place to park on the street by his place.  

I want to practice rollerblading again.  Just haven't had the motivation to go do it.  I promised him that I'd learn, but this last week, I didn't rollerblade once.  I've been going down to the gym for a 30 minute run and 15 minutes biking.  The biking is cause it's funXP hahaha.  After that, I'm pretty much pooped till about 3.  By such time though, I'm often NOT in my house because someone's coming to see the condo.  Since I'm going to the building's gym, I'm going to finish LOTS of books this way.  better find more interesting books to read if that's the case.  hehehe.

oooooo, the bf bought me the game ticket to rideXD  it's my favourite table top game atm! you should try it some time! I've never won a game yet, but it's still fun losing hehehe.  

ERGS!!!! I have a stupid burn that ITCHES! and I can't reach it.  annoying lil burn!!!!! grrrrr.  

sorry for the randomness, but that's just the way my mind is this morning.  No coherent thoughts, just a jumble of stuff all at one time.  hehehe.  It's basically typing the exact thought at the exact moment my mind is spewing out.  hahahahahaha....so does this mean it's brain poop?  hehehehe

anyways, hope your day will be more fun than mine (yes, MORE fun and not funner, because that word ISN'T correct).  

"if you can't get a job in your field, would you go and become an agent?"

My parents would really like that.  Free service for them.  ergs. 

In fact, I don't think I wouldn't enjoy it.  I would rather be doing something in my field I guess.  sigh.  

totally annoyed at everything.  Hope the darn cupcake places are open today.....why is nothing open on mondays?  that's just plain stupid.  

ergs, I can't shake this "i feel like shit" feeling.  dangit.....ergs