it's from an episode in friends.  Chandler and Joey tell Rachel to quit her job even though she doesn't have another job.  It is said that she needed the "fear" to motivate her to get a new job.

Although it's highly unlikely that there would be some random sitting at a cafe willing to hire you, I think it is worth mentioning that "the fear" is sometimes a good motivator.  However, "the fear" can also stop you from pursuing your dreams.  

And I guess the issue is that I'm not racking in the dough.  I couldn't support you.  I could barely support myself, let alone anyone else. 

After working part time, min wage, and spending barely any money, I've managed to actually save a small amount of money.  I'll have to start paying osap soon though.  I guess it's easier to save money when I'm living at home and my expenses are low.  The drawback is that I have to help my parents whenever.  If I do the math, in the year I've worked at my part time job, I've worked over 1365 hours.  

Sure, the uncertainty is scary, but it's also okay to be scared.  We all need to do what we need to do in order to move forward, reach our goals, or feel satisfied with our achievements.  

mmm.....

the more I wait, the worse it gets.  But I'll wait.  There's nothing else I can do.  Sigh.

I've done all that I can.  Now, all I can do is wait for a response.  sigh.

So, if I've lit a fuse...what does the fuse lead to?  I don't know if I want to find out.  sigh.  

Though I'm tired and would rather call in sick, I'll go to work.  I'll work along side another very cheery person.  I'll come home and wait.  

I'll be waiting for a response, for his response, regardless of how tired I am.  

I was like a demon in the night, possessed by a thought that just wouldn't let go.  I wanted to talk about something i knew you no longer wanted to talk about.  As such, the conversation from the get go was already set for disaster....but we both made it worse...or rather, I did my part in making it worse.  I have the propensity for that kind of thing...ms. drama queen (but only some days.  most days i couldn't care less).

tonight was not my night.  I was super defensive.  Super bitchy.  I won't even blame hormones because I know I would have probably said the same things in a similar matter anyways.  Though, maybe not....I may not have been so eager to defend on any other night.  

There's probably been a ton of misunderstandings everywhere tonight.  oh well.  

communication broke down today.  will i try to fix it?  we'll see.  I'm not gonna be the only one to try.  

How long will we stay mad at each other this time?  

How long will the silent treatment last?  mmmm.... it depends how angry we are at each other i guess.

my fatal flaw?  Curiosity.  in extention, it would be gluttony for knowledge....or gluttony of knowing.  Does that make sense?

I am ms. snoopy after all.  I am working at it.  I can try to not look at your phone, I can look away when you press your pin information.  I can even just open your letter envelopes without looking at your mail.  And like Superman, I too am weak to kryptonite.  My kryptonite?  telling me that you've got a thought about me or about something and then not telling me.  But....I need to learn to NOT care that anyone's said these kinds of things.  Forget about these kinds of statements, let them slide.  Easier said than done, but I'll work at it....

and out of a list of 7 deadly sins....are they the same as fatal flaws?  I don't know, but the 7 deadly sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride...

mmmm.....and to ease my mind of these things.  I find it funny that the first thing that appears in my head is from the bible....

1 Corinthians 13  New International Version.

13 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The current entry on my bf's gamer blog:  http://justonemoreunlock.blogspot.ca/2012/09/the-reason-not-to-save-city-of-heroes.html#comment-form

Yes, it's argumentative, which is something he DOESN'T do often.  It's not even a genre of game he particularly likes.  Which I guess is why most people have said he is uninformed.  I'm going to say that I definitely never tried this game.  Have I heard about it before this?  Heck yeah, but super hero mmo's have never been my thing.  This entry's not about whether it should be kept or put down, it's simply an observation to the bf's post.  

Most of the comments are pretty civil minus a few.  It is surprising for me because I know how mean people can be on the internet.  To ask if he's trolling makes me laugh.  As an outsider to the entire issue, what he's saying is that passion and love for a game doesn't matter to most game manufacturers/developers.  

The comments in reply to his blog entry floor me.  They are for the most part very respectful.  THIS makes me see how and WHY the city of heroes community is as good as all these petitioners say it is.  If this discussion were on the topic of WoW closing, I'm certain there'd be more people cussing and dissing directed to my bf compared to the current comments about the closure of CoH.  A community is made up of it's people.  What makes this game different isn't the genre (super hero mmo).  The people who are part of this community is what makes this game unique.  This is particularly true about all games though.  If the community to a game sucks, I for one would not continue to play.  However, even just looking at the comments written there at the current moment, I can say that I'm surely impressed.  I have never seen such an out-pour of comments like this before.  No, not because of the amount of comments, but rather the type of comments written there.  

The manufactures/developers have the right to do whatever they want with the game.  If they wish to shut down the game, it is their right.  The players also have the right to their petitions to not have the game closed and everything else they wish to do.  So who is in the right here?  The developers or the gamers?  Putting all stats aside, what are the main reasons for the closure?  Can the community really not be created elsewhere?  Would you not keep in contact without the game?  it's this fight against real life versus virtual reality.  

Perhaps for most gamers, the closure of the game is about a sense of loss of self (yes, way tooo many prepositions making it sound weird).  It's like you've lost a little part of yourself when the game is gone.  But yet again, I ask, can what you've lost NEVER be found again?  

I don't know.  I guess I'm going to psychological on this issue.  Perhaps they could sell the game to some one else.  But what are the reasons for the company to not do this in the first place?  

I don't know.  I just feel like there are too many unknowns all over the place.  Yes, Although you may not need to know WHY they're closing and they've already given you the courtesy of telling you when, the truth remains that players want closure.  Without all the facts, they can't rest in peace.  

I'm going from one retail job to the next.  unfortunately, it's not moving upwards.  I'm simply giving myself the possibility to move upwards in the future....key word being possibility.  

instead of being flat out denied a higher position, i'm hoping to be able to move up.  who knows.  Most people don't enjoy retail.  For me, I don't really mind it.  I kind of enjoy it.  the shit pay doesn't bother me.  Of course, it would be different if I had other people to support.  However, I do not.  I simply just have myself.  I live with my parents, I don't have bills to pay.

Reminder to self, parents still need to give back the 12k I lent them.  I'll have to start paying off osap soon.  

It's not that I can't apply myself, I just haven't found something I like more that pays better.  Sure, almost every position pays better than min wage, but for now, I feel satisfied.  sigh....

I'll have to head out soon.  I sprayed a little too much perfume, will have to wash it off.  

okay, printed off a few resumes, my references.  even printed off my resignation letter for good luck on getting the job.  

I guess I was a little to sensitive.  However, what really made me want to leave was the fact that I had asked the boss if he'd train me for an assistant manager position and he didn't answer me.  Instead, the convo led to him telling me that everyone's replaceable.  That I was replaceable.  Although in retail, this is fact, one does NOT have to tell me this as I'm offering myself to STAY in a position that he needs since his manager is leaving at the end of September.  If he wants someone else, just tell me no.  Don't say I'm replaceable to my face.  Although I am, it means you don't respect me.  

I am not being as nice as my manager.  She gave a months notice.  I'm giving in my 2 weeks notice and that's that.  If I give it in today, IF i get the job, I'll be leaving Friday Sept 21.  

yes, it is one retail to another.  I'm hopefully gonna make manager within 5.  We'll see.  Most people would be "why-ing" all of it as they know i'm a smart, educated person.  But at this moment, everyone's bitching isn't going to make me change my decision.  For now, I enjoy retail, even if it's shit hours and measly pay.  I feel satisfied about this decision at the moment.  Even when my parents can only complain that it's a retail, min wage job.  To that, all I have to say is that AT LEAST I HAVE ONE.  

To me, satisfaction is more important than pay at the moment.  this will have to get me by until I decide what else I want in my life.

I've been truly a lazy ass this past week.  I ate a little healthier and actually exercised everyday on my week of vacation.  

Since I've moved, I have been sitting on my ass.  ergs.

I wonder why it is that I don't like going outside for a run.  I think I should try to find a running buddy who is also trying to pick up running.  It's just simply not fun to start running when you're the person panting after a few 100 meters.  hahahaha.  

I'll work at eating better though.  Since I've been home and have had no groceries to cook, I've been eating everything from a can and package.  ewwwwww on the sodium content for sure!

My goal isn't to lose weight.  Losing weight is only a side-effect of exercising on a daily basis.  I'm gonna try to do a few different things every so often.  

I've contemplated doing insanity.  However, I'm tooo intimidated by those kinds of exercise routines.  I don't like to feel pain after 10 minutes.  I'm not the person who wants to see instant results, I want to feel happy and enjoy what I do.  For me, insanity just seems too painful.  I tried it for about a week and almost died, metaphorically.  I want to exercise and then actually feel reenergized, I don't want to feel as if my arms, legs, and the rest of my body aren't mine anymore.  

So, it's just about finding what works for me.  something that motivates me to keep going, but also something interesting enough that I won't be bored.  hehehe

On a totally unrelated note, in the past few days, I can't help thinking how lucky and fortunate to be with the person I'm with.  It's been 5 years+ and I still day dream about his hugs and kisses.  heheheh ....  I just thought I'd put it out there.  

have you ever gone shopping for one thing, but come home with a lot of stuff you weren't intending to buy while NOT buying what you set out to buy?  Well that's my day today.  I went out at 10 and shopped all the way till 3.  I searched EVERYWHERE for this item I was looking for.  Didn't find it at all.  Every place I went only had wall mounts these days.  Seriously, I'm not a fan of drilling into my wall, So I don't want wall mounts for my monitor!  Though I'll admit it, it would be easier to just have a wall mount, but I'm seriously NOT a fan of drilling holes into the wall.  

So I figured that if i couldn't find the item I was looking for, at least I could make it.  NO such luck either.  hahahahahaha.  

I'm looking for one of those tv stands that allows you to rotate your television 360 degrees.  But as I said, these are NOT in style.  Places only carry the stupid wall mounts.  This makes for an angry and upset sabby.  

I decided to go buy the pieces I needed to make the stand in question.  All I'd need were a few pieces of wood, a few ball bearings and possibly some sort of ring about the size of your exhaust fan.  I thought that finding these pieces would be easy.  Unfortunately for me, ball bearings are parts that you need to order in my local hardware stores.  sigh.  I've already designed the damn thing in my head already....but of course, life isn't always as easy as you plan it out to be.  Instead, I'll talk to my father tonight and he'll tell me how to get the thing it is I want.  heh.  

spent another 100 dollars today buying stuff to furnish up my room.  my parents won't like it, but I personally LOVE it.  I've decided how I wanted my room to be and I think it'll work out.  I've also worked out how to put on the curtains for my room.  seems like it's going to be okay afterall.  weeee...

excited for my parents to come home!

i must learn to communicate.  All my life, the communication style i heard the most has been my parents bickering.  they don't seem to know how to talk to each other.  as such, I communicate to them in this tone too.  As bad as I know it is, I find that I'm unwilling to communicate properly/have an inability to communicate properly.  Whenever I do try to talk to them rationally, I end up yelling at them.  why you ask?  Because THEY'VE always talked to each other and to us with that tone of voice.  

But now I know better.  

I am becoming more self-aware to the my annoyance level and how I am talking to them.  Everytime I realize my tone is going out of sync, I've been slowly trying to correct myself.  The more annoyed I am with them, the louder, and the ruder I'll sound.  As such, I'm learning to watch my tone.  It's not necessarily about being humble.  It's just about learning HOW to talk to them- learning to see the situation in another way so I won't get annoyed.  Unfortunately, my patience isn't unlimited though.  mmmm...

It makes me think about my future.  Hopefully I'll never use this tone I've witnessed all my life with the bf.  And if I do, I wish to be forgiven, BUT I more so wish that the significant other would help me learn to communicate better.  

I guess it's one thing to type all your thoughts on here and use actual words to voice your thoughts in person.  of course, there's the good way of speaking and a not so good way.  not necessarily a bad way of speaking, just not necessarily the way to speak to get your way in life...

mmmm....I just learnt that one of the most loved people in my place of employment is leaving...sigh.  for some reason, I'm not surprised, but I'm just really sad.  It's kinda like losing the mother hen at work.  sigh.  Will have to find a good farewell gift.  sigh.  glad she's leaving though.  our boss did treat her like crap....

self-awareness is the beginning to change....and change may take a long time.  hopefully, someday i'll feel as if i've accomplished the change I wish to achieve...

I think I write one of these types of entries every year.  But I guess I like to have an excuse to write something other than what I'm thinking or feeling at the moment.  Of course, not everything I think about or feel at the moment is worth posting even if I do end up posting something.  hahaha

From the time I was a little girl, I remember the bad ones best.  I've had 2 really bad birthdays. 

The first bad birthday was when I was turning 10 or something.  As I do now, my friends back then were also separated into groups.  I had the school friends, the church friends, and the other family friends.  Being a little girl, I wanted to have a birthday party like everyone else was having.  The only problem was that I didn't really have any school friends.  Though, I did invite schoolmates.  I was a bad host, but then again, which 10 year old naturally knows how to be a host?  One thing I learnt was never to have such big parties where there are groups of people that don't know each other.  if you want your friends to get to know each other, it's best with intimate settings.  that was the one thing I learnt early on in life.  

most people declined my birthday invite or came out of sheer pity for me.  Though most of these people knew me since the days when I spoke no word of English.  So they may have even felt obligated to come out of sheer courtesy.  Looking back, maybe I did have more friends at school than I initially thought.  meh.  I invited 25 people.  I got 2 gifts, both which I've never used and most likely chucked.  But I did invite non-school friends to this party too.  This was why I was a bad host- from my recollection, I think I made everyone at my party feel uncomfortable because i was uncomfortable.  meh.  lessons learnt.  

Ironically, I only remember being invited to one birthday in return.  

I think this is how I learnt to be generous....even though many people didn't give me a second thought, I always tried my best for other people.  and yes, sometimes it truly does suck, but so what?  I don't wanna be known as the stingy asshole.  I might be poor financially, but as long as I feel rich with joy and satisfaction about my life....does it matter?

the second bad birthday was when I was turning 13.  or was it 14?  most likely 13.  I always remembered it as unlucky 13.  From that birthday on, I always use the number 13 for things because I wanted to make 13 a good number since my 13th birthday absolutely sucked.  No one actually remembered my birthday.  my mother was in hk.  My father went to the grocery store and bought me some coconut flavoured chapman popsicles after dinner.  They were on sale.  I always did like popsicles more than icecream.  At 13 though, I was wallowing at the thought that everyone forgot my birthday.  normally even if It were a birthday with just family, we'd have a big feast.  though since my mother was in HK, my father had a simple home cooked meal.  but I think I was in such a bad mood at that time that i decided instead, to go on the internet and start talking to all my online buddies.  btw, none which still are my online buddies.  my father started yelling at me for spending my time on the internet.  sigh...on my birthday, getting yelled at for going online because no one remembered my birthday.  at 13, I remember feeling like the world was stupid.  Perhaps people were trying to surprise me, but it really wasn't working.  from then on, I knew that I hated surprise parties.  1, I don't like not knowing what I'd be doing with my day.  and 2, I don't like being yelled at for doing what I want to do with my day.  I learnt then that it's not always the big things that count.  my father is a man of simple pleasures.  as such, buying popsicles, even though on sale for his daughter, was a big birthday gift for a father who showed no favouritism to either of his 2 daughters.  He went out of his way to show is affection for someone who downright didn't show any affection back to him.  no wonder he got upset.  

yes, so although those 2 are my most memorable and horrible birthdays, it's okay.  a life lesson learnt.

now, onto my favourite birthday.  sadly, I can't remember how old I was turning.  probably 16.  I went to sleep over at my friends house.  Being at a point in my life where age meant nothing and dates meant nothing, I actually forgot my own birthday.  This was honestly the one year where I probably did forget my own birthday and everyone else's along with it.  

This particular birthday actually starts on August 11 as I was sleeping over at a friends house as I've already mentioned.  At this time, I rarely stayed up past 9:30 for bed time.  but somehow, I managed to stay up till 12.  I was very tired though.  at 12, we celebrated my birthday with grapes and a custard type thing.  hehehe.  I don't remember if it was a mango pudding or whether or not the grapes were sweet.  I just remember being surprised that people would remember my birthday when I myself forgot.  I don't remember the silly things we talked about all night.  I just remember feeling very happy, satisfied and grateful for everything.  The lesson learnt from this?  It's not always about the hoopla, the simple things make for the best moments too. 

to recent years!  These past 5 years, I have made it my own mission to set aside time for my birthday weekend if all other weekends are impossible.  For the past 5 years, it has been without fail that I go on vacation taking the days of 10-12 off in August.  though, the first year was purely by chance as i had no job..

And although all these recent (5) years have been passed at the cottage, each one is memorable to me.  no, it's not about what we did during the years.  It's not even about getting lavish gifts so we could use at the cottage.  Whether or not this is sad or not at my age, it's about the pattern and routine.  it's special because it's our time together.  even if it's hard to get vacation time, the bf has also always taken time off work during that time too.  for me, it's about the time spent together.  for the past 5 years, i've spent my birthday with the person who means the world to me.  for the past 5 years, we've celebrated each other's birthdays together.  and yes, for 5 years, we've had bacon and eggs for at least 5 days of that one week.  hahaha.  It's not about the kayaking, or the paddle boating.  it's not about the stopped electricity or the playing of castle crashers or borderlands or any other game/activity all day.  regardless of what we do or don't do on that week, for the past 5 years I've looked forward to spending time just with you for our week.  And to me, I guess that week has become something sacred or at least special.

So not only is it a happy belated birthday to me.  It is also a happy belated birthday to the special person in my life whose birthday is 2 days before mine!  hehehe.  HAPPY BELATED birthday to us both!  hehehe.  

It's hard not to cheer for your team/country.  of course, being a Canadian Chinese woman, it's hard not to cheer for both China and Canada.  However, I get little satisfaction from China winning the gold.  It's much more of a happy feeling when Gold is won by Canada.  This is probably due to the fact that we just don't seem to win as many at the Olympics.  We may have world champs, but they don't make it to top three on the olympic charts.  Of course, being top 5 on the olympics is actually VERY good.  hahahah.  but when you don't win a medal, it's just not as good because you want your national anthem played, or a medal across your chest....and how sad is it for the athletes that lose out by a tenth of a point?  The truth is, I'm still proud of Canada regardless of the amount of medals we obtain, whatever the colour.  However, when it comes to China, I'll ask, "why didn't we get gold in such and such event??

IS that cruel?  I'm sure it is.  

Though in all actuality, I'm quite happy to see the strengths of each country.  it's good to see that each country have a healthy amount of athletes for whatever they are strong at.

Like the episode of How I met Your Mother, sports events are a way to get away from our own lives- focus on something other than yourself/ own problems.  

With every winter Olympics, It makes me want to take up speed skating and cross country skiing.  With every summer Olympics, it makes me want to swim better, and to learn to row.  At 25, I doubt I'd ever make it to be an olympian, but each and every Olympic event makes me realize that if THEY can train, why couldn't I just put in a little effort and continue in a sport?  It's NEVER too late to start anything as long as I take the chance TO do it.  Even if I SUCK at it, at least I'd still have fun pushing my body further than what it is now.  Seriously though....45 rows per minute....your bodies must scream at you every time they compete.

Though of course, my favourite sport past time is badminton:P  Didn't get to watch any of the badminton games for the Olympics...makes me a sad panda:(  I like seeing how the pros make their moves.  why?  because then it teaches me how to move to get the right stance, to hit the right way.  I guess that's what you do in all sports, watch the pros do it.  heh

heh....man...i miss being in shape.....