I’ve always thought I was a rather calm person that was easily excited. But it turns out,  I’m am impatient person. I don’t like waiting. I want things to just click into place. As such,  when things don’t go the way I expect,  I get very irritable.  But its still rather weird. Not everything makes me this upset.  Perhaps its the combination of feeling worthless that is making me exceptionally unpleasant to be around. 

Maybe I need to work out and give my muscles some release. These days I’m staying in bed later and I always wake up sore all over-and not the good kind of sore either. My body is as stressed as my mind.

I know its against a few of my friend’s judgements,  but I’m still thinking of going back to school. I’ve decided to go to that job agency that’s just up the street from my place. I’m either going tomorrow between my two shifts or Friday,  before I go see a friend downtown. 

Originally, I wanted a new job by march. As that month is now approaching and it doesn’t look like ill get a new job,  I’ll wait until April or June. If I don’t get the job I “want” by then even with the help of an agency, I’m applying for school for September or january. Does that sound fair?

This time around,  I am not applying for osap. I just paid down 6k with the help of my parents. I still have 20k to pay down. 

Whether or not people agree with my choice or not,  I’m sticking with this decision. I feel that I have something sorted for the future even though its mostly unknown.  I feel more calm looking into the close future. So it’s what I’ve decided. Plus, haven’t I aleays said I wanted to be a secretary?  My choice of schooling this time is much much more practical. I took a long time to decide what I’d take if I did go back to school. Mmmmm

I haven’t been interested in writing anything for a long time.  I’ve been a tad upset for a while.  I think today I just hit rock bottom for feeling shitty for myself.  Sadly, this didn’t motivate me to work out or job search or do anything else.  It just made me cry for a good portion of the morning and do nothing but mope around in the house.  I did NOT go to the job agency.  You might think my pride means nothing, but until you can say something to persuade me to not feel like a complete failure for going to a job agency, I can’t go.  

We’ll see….I was just feeling way tooo shitty this morning….

If you saw me today, I was like the episode of friends where Phoebe goes to see her dad for the first time…..stuck in the car.  Although she’d really like to, she leaves the car, runs to the bushes and then just runs back into the car.  sigh…eventually I’ll probably go.   

My job search is going nowhere and i’m feeling absolutely miserable about myself.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I have a job even though it’s shit pay…A job is better than no job.  

oh…btw, telling an impatient person that they’re being impatient doesn’t do anything but make the impatient person upset at you.  it makes me want to shake your shoulders and shout, stfu mr. obvious.  

it’s like telling the person freaking out to calm down.  generally they end up freaking out more.  

sigh.  anyways, off to work.  

bleh.