July 21, 2012

  • ...vulnerability...

    The bf and I started a couple's blog.  It's about answering questions from a book called 101 questions to ask before getting engaged.  

    OH! but before I start, let me share some news.  Today, I bought a new used car (new car to me, but it's been driven before- so it's used).  So the car that I was complaining about was COMPLETELY rusted through. it costed at least 1k to fix what the mechanic could see, but  he was afraid to start working on the car because he KNEW that if he removed the parts that needed to fix, he'd find OTHER things he'd have to replace with it.  So instead, he suggested it was time to look for a new car.  So....I've got a new used car.  A Honda Civic.  Yes, how asian of me to drive such a car.  BUT, the other option I had was a Toyota Corolla.....seriously?  If given the choice, I ain't gonna drive a corolla.  Plain and simple, it might drive and maneuver well, but it ain't got the style/ look.  At the moment, it's just too "family" looking of a car for me.  Though, I did drive a piece of decaying metal for about a year.  hahahaha.  oh well.  

    Anyways, back to the reason for the post.

    The first question was about vulnerability.  You know, it's probably easier for me to be open and vulnerable on Xanga or any other of my blogs.  Perhaps it's because the premise of these blogs is because it's my mind sludge.  Of course it's semi-decently written mind sludge, but still.  I don't always filter what I write on these things.  If I feel crappy in the moment, I'll write about it.  If I'm having a super fantastic moment, I'd write about it.  

    I'm always afraid that my open and honest vulnerability can hurt others.  So instead, I'd rather accommodate my thinking to make room for whatever it is I'm feeling.   I try to find a way to turn something bad into a happy thing.  It's not that I'm not open, I just don't like to explain why I'm thinking unless I'm poked and prodded.  However, I'm the type of person who likes to know what you're thinking when I can't guess what you're thinking.  I am the type of person who would share my feelings if you share yours.  Though of course, with some people, you get to know what I'm feeling LONG before you even ask.  However, if I can't seem to find a way to fit it into my thinking and I do blow up, it's important to acknowledge the feelings.  it's important to affirm my feelings, to not condemn my feelings, but to steer me to healthier thinking if the feelings and thoughts are unhealthy and non-beneficial.  

    what makes you vulnerable?

    When i'm put in a situation where I feel incompetent, I am at a vulnerable state.  I don't need to be vulnerable to be open.  In fact, for me to be open and share my thoughts, it's almost always better that I don't feel vulnerable.  Make me feel safe as if I won't be judged and I'll be open.  

    When I'm feeling incompetent it's not always about making me feel as if I am the greatest or that i can in fact do whatever it is. When i'm feeling incompetent, it's just about respecting my illogical ideas of myself and helping me move past my stupidity without saying or making me feel stupid.  

    mmmm, time for bed...getting sleepies...hehe